SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — In a spirited display of regional unity ahead of the January 2027 legislative session, mayors from across the Rio Grande Valley gathered Friday at the South Texas Alliance of Cities meeting and unanimously agreed that they must absolutely, without question, get on the same page about drainage — before discovering they had each brought a different page.
Edinburg Mayor Ramiro Quintanilla opened the closed-door legislative roundtable by holding up a single laminated talking point: “Valley United on Drainage.” Harlingen’s mayor held up a nearly identical placard reading “Valley Together on Drainage.” McAllen’s read “Drainage: A Valley Priority.” Pharr’s said “Pharr First, Then Drainage.”
“This is exactly what I was afraid of,” Quintanilla said, laying all four placards on the table. “We’re on the same page, but it’s four different fonts.”
The mayors then spent 90 minutes debating whether to use the word “comprehensive” or “robust” in their shared drainage vision statement, ultimately settling on “comprehensive-ish.” A Laredo representative asked if Laredo could be included in the word “Valley,” triggering a 40-minute recess.
Bus Tour Yields Sobering Visuals
The afternoon featured a regional asset tour of Border Patrol facilities and UTRGV campus buildings, sandwiched around a driving tour of low spots where mayors pointed at standing water and nodded thoughtfully.
“See that puddle?” said one Donna city official, gesturing toward a retention pond that had swallowed a shopping cart. “That’s our evidence. Austin needs to see this.”
Officials took 300 photos of the puddle from different angles. A San Antonio representative asked if the puddle predated the shopping cart. No one could confirm.
Donna Time Capsule Inspires Bold Vision
The meeting coincided with Donna’s unveiling of a 50-year-old time capsule containing Bicentennial paperwork and civic pamphlets, which gave the mayors an idea: a new Valley-wide time capsule to be opened in 2076, containing a completed drainage study, a finished interstate connector map, and one single dry afternoon.
“In 1976, you could go to H-E-B and see people you knew,” said one attendee who was definitely not quoting a real person. “In 2076, maybe you’ll be able to drive on Expressway 83 without questioning your life decisions.”
The mayors voted 12-1 to bury the capsule immediately, with the dissenting vote coming from a La Joya ISD official who argued the $3 million earmarked for new baseball dugouts would make a better time capsule than another drainage feasibility report.
As the meeting adjourned, Quintanilla assured reporters the region would present a unified front in Austin. “We may not be on the same page,” he said, “but we are in the same binder. And the binder is labeled ‘Drainage.’ Most of it.”
FAQ
Q: Did the mayors ultimately agree on a drainage plan?
A: They agreed to agree on one by November. Then they agreed to agree on what “agree” means by October.
Q: What happened to the shopping cart in the retention pond?
A: It was appointed to a citizen advisory committee.
