SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — With one day to spare before the ideal end-of-October deadline, the Rio Grande Valley formally declared flu season open Wednesday, cutting a red ribbon strung between two palm trees outside a Harlingen clinic in honor of a virus that officials confirmed has already been working since August and, at press time, was still rated “low to medium” by the same office that took three months to mail the invitation.
“We want residents to know the season is now officially here,” said Amado Treviño, acting commissioner of the newly formed Valley Bureau of Seasons, holding ceremonial scissors. “Yes, the virus punched in during August. Yes, it completed orientation on its own. But a season is not a season until the paperwork says so, and the paperwork said so on October 30.”
Virus Clocked In Early, Did The Reading
According to a schedule circulated by South Texas Health System, the virus memorized the official timetable before management did: symptoms roughly two days after exposure, a corner turned at day four or five, one to two weeks of lingering symptoms, and a 24-hour fever-free stretch before anyone may rejoin the public.
“It has that schedule laminated,” said Sandra Ruiz, a seasonal logistics coordinator for the system. “Meanwhile, we spent September choosing a font for the poster.” Colleagues described the virus as punctual to a fault, having shown up in triple-digit heat while the rest of the Valley was still thinking about hurricane season. Its performance review nevertheless came back “low to medium,” a rating Ruiz defended as “not a judgment, a category.” Representatives of Local 44, the virus’s chapter covering activity in 44 states including Texas, did not respond to requests for comment, citing a busy fourth quarter.
Corner-Turning Windows And Reentry Permits Now Open
The Bureau announced it will staff designated corner-turning windows at all facilities for days four through five of any illness. Corners turned early, late, or not at all will be reclassified as lingering symptoms for one to two weeks. Residents who complete a 24-hour fever-free stretch — verified without fever-reducing medication — may collect a reentry permit at the front desk, though officials conceded the virus itself does not check permits.
Peak season remains scheduled for December through February, with the virus contractually permitted to linger until May, like a Winter Texan who found a good monthly rate and saw no reason to leave. Residents are reminded to wash hands for a full 20 seconds, which the Bureau said is exactly how long it takes to approve a permit extension.
