SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department announced Tuesday that it has placed its own November draft agenda under active conservation, making it the first piece of administrative paperwork in state history to qualify as a protected natural resource. The document, which once contained the word “disposition” suspiciously close to the number “1,300,” is now monitored around the clock in an undisclosed drawer in Austin. Boca Chica Beach, 18 miles east of Brownsville, remains open, free and — per the department — optional.
“This is exactly what we were put on this earth to protect,” said Magdalena Peña, the department’s newly created Coordinator of Sensitive Document Habitat, speaking through a screen door so reporters could not tell which direction she was facing. “People assume conservation means land. Land is fine. Land is everywhere. But a preliminary draft agenda is advice, opinion and recommendation in its natural state. Disturb it, and you lose it forever.”
Department biologists described the draft agenda as extremely skittish, noting it flushed from the public-notice process in early November and has not been observed since. The public is urged to report any sightings to no one.
The Word ‘Disposition’ Sedated, Relocated
Officials confirmed the sentence containing “disposition” was humanely captured, sedated and released into a 1,060-acre buffer zone near the park, where it will live out its days beyond the reach of records requests. All eight parks commissioners were listed as “nesting” and could not be reached for comment; disturbing a commissioner during agenda season is now a Class C misdemeanor. The department’s phone list, which a newspaper recently outlasted, is also under review for protection.
The governor’s office reiterated that no sale would come up for a vote “anytime soon,” a unit of time the department has adopted in place of fiscal years. Meanwhile, more than 7,100 acres around the park were recently annexed by a neighboring city, which the department stressed is not ownership, the same way a leash is not a dog.
Beach Still Technically There, Officials Confirm
“I came out for the sand and the whiting,” said Jesse Cavazos of Los Fresnos, casting into the surf. “If the agenda wants its privacy, que Dios lo bendiga.”
Department historians noted that in 2008 the agency sold one state park for $9.2 million and immediately bought a different one, proving that selling a park is technically shopping, which is different from conservation. At press time, the draft agenda was resting comfortably, and the people’s beach remained open to people, optionally, until further notice or a rocket, whichever comes first.
