SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN, TX — Surrounded by balloons that had not yet been declared official, Hidalgo County elections officials announced Saturday that a record 166,828 residents voted early over 12 days, a milestone they celebrated for approximately four seconds before ceremonially stamping the total “UNOFFICIAL” in front of witnesses.
“We counted every ballot twice, and we want to be extremely clear: we stand behind none of them,” said county elections administrator Dora Zambrano, gripping the stamp with both hands. “The number is 166,828. About 166,828. The ‘about’ is load-bearing. We measured the approximation very carefully.”
Zambrano noted that in 2022 only about 103,997 Hidalgo residents voted early, a figure the county also refused to acknowledge at the time and continues to deny. This year’s total — which includes mail ballots, early votes, and at least one emotionally significant trip to a Weslaco polling site — will remain unofficial through Election Day, after which it will become canvassed, then archived, then unofficial again out of habit.
County Promotes First Full-Time Unofficiality Officer
To handle the record volume, Hidalgo County promoted a dedicated Unofficiality Officer whose sole duty is marking things unofficial within seconds of their occurring. On Saturday, sources confirmed he stamped the county’s own press release unofficial before the printer finished.
Cameron County got to the disavowal first, declaring its roughly 77,640 early votes unofficial at breakfast “with a smaller, sadder stamp.” Starr and Willacy counties, honoring a proud local tradition, have posted no numbers at all, pending the opportunity to disown them in person, by hand.
The historic turnout will be preserved in the public record alongside the only image attached to it: a photograph of a polling place in Austin, taken in October 2024, two years before any of this happened.
“A Vote Is A Vote, No Matter Where It’s Photographed”
Officials defended the Austin picture as “close enough.” “People keep asking why the photograph of Valley democracy is from Austin,” said deputy administrator Chuy Cavazos, knocking twice on the podium. “Democracy is a feeling. Austin simply had the lighting.”
At press time, the county had marked this article unofficial as well and asked that it be referred to going forward as “about journalism.”
