SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
ROMA — Announcing the results of a rigorous ownership review it conducted, funded, judged, and won, the Texas General Land Office declared Friday that nine islands in the Rio Grande are now Texas, edging out a field of 28 applicants that were, records show, also the river.
“We asked 28 islands to step forward, and only nine survived the center-line test,” said Land Office spokesperson Kiko Barrera, holding a certificate he had notarized himself. “The other 19 washed out. That’s the test. That’s literally the test.”
The winning islands total roughly 66 acres, an amount the office described as “exactly the Texas we had lying around.” Law enforcement has been formally notified to patrol, inspect, and clear the islands of criminal activity that the same office confirmed has not been confirmed.
“We’re not saying there’s crime,” Barrera said. “We’re saying there’s land, and land with no crime on it yet is just crime running late.”
Nine of 28 Islands Pass Test Written, Administered, and Graded by the Winner
The review consisted of the Land Office drafting criteria, applying the criteria, and finding that it met the criteria, sources said. Photographic evidence of the winning islands was taken by the Land Office, submitted by the Land Office, and praised by the Land Office as independent verification.
Each island will follow the Fronton Island model, the state’s flagship program near Roma in which an island is first declared, then given what Operation Flat Top calls a “vegetation haircut” by DPS and the Texas Military Department armed with policy and trimmers. An agricultural lease is already laminated and waiting in a drawer for whenever the islands finish being looked at.
“First the fade, then the farming,” Barrera said. “That’s the Starr County way.”
Mexico Reminds Everyone Only a Commission May Own a Sandbar
Mexico’s Foreign Ministry responded within hours to note that under the 1970 Boundary Treaty the border sits at the center of the river’s normal channel, and that only the International Boundary and Water Commission — not a state office with access to a laminator — may decide which side an island wakes up on.
“A sandbar is not a door prize,” said attaché Refugio Peña-Orozco of the ministry. “It is a solemn hydrological fact requiring two countries, one treaty, and at least three forms in duplicate.”
A spokesperson for the boundary commission, reached at a desk visibly sagging under treaties, agreed. “We have been the only office authorized to assign a sandbar since 1970,” they said. “Nowhere in that document does the word ‘press release’ appear.”
The Rio Grande itself declined to comment but continued flowing slightly south of the center line, a development both countries immediately claimed as jurisdiction.
FAQ
Q: Can a press release really make a sandbar Texan?
A: In Austin, a press release is a deed, a survey, and a family photo album, especially when the same office took the photos.
Q: What happens to the 19 islands that failed?
A: They remain property of the river pending appeal, or until they drift somewhere with a friendlier center line.
