SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION — In what procurement experts are calling the Valley’s first fully interchangeable executive search, the city of Mercedes and the Mission Economic Development Corporation confirmed this week that they independently hired the same Edinburg firm, paid the same flat $25,000, and ordered the same search for a new boss — complete with a 12-month warranty and pre-scheduled naps through Thanksgiving and December. Both cities described the coincidence as “a heck of a value.”
Records show each government will be billed in four identical installments of $6,250, tied to milestones such as kickoff, homework, a slide deck featuring the word “stakeholders,” and the moment a man in a navy suit enters a conference room and says “vision.”
“We saw the package Mission got and said, we’ll take that one,” said Mercedes Commissioner Leticia Hinojosa, holding up a brochure. “Same price, same warranty, same Edinburg. You don’t haggle when the boss aisle is running a two-city special.”
Altiva warranty administrator Delia Cavazos walked reporters through the coverage. “If your hire stops working within 12 months — quits, retires, or accepts a better offer from McAllen — bring the contract back with your receipt and we rerun the entire search at no extra professional fee,” she said. “Labor’s covered. Search must be in original packaging. Water damage and pool chemistry void the warranty.”
Officials Assured The Two Searches Won’t Deliver The Same Man
Asked whether both cities could ultimately receive the identical finalist, Mission EDC board member Raul Tijerina waved off concerns. “They told us the searches are serialized. Mine has a 9 in it somewhere,” he said. “And honestly, if it happens, that’s what the free rerun is for. This is why you buy the warranty.”
Search To Resume Sometime After The Holidays, And After That
The 90-to-120-day contract explicitly allows time off for Thanksgiving and December, months the document describes as “load-bearing.” A scheduling official explained: “Nothing gets found in December in the Valley. We tried once and found a tamale.” Progress updates will be provided exclusively in closed session, meaning the public may monitor the search’s status by attending a meeting they cannot attend.
Both cities expect to unwrap a finalist in January, with the Mercedes boss walking by late February and the Mission CEO assembled by March — dates the contract calls “approximate, spiritually.” The Mission position pays $165,000 to $190,000 plus benefits, meaning the winning candidate will earn roughly seven searches per year, a fact the search declined to comment on.
Applicants are advised to be a man in a navy suit who says “vision,” or, failing that, to know a guy.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What happens if the new boss leaves within 12 months?
A: Altiva reruns the entire search at no extra professional fee. The city is responsible for shipping, tissue paper, and the restocking vibe.
Q: Can residents get an update on how the search is going?
A: Yes, in closed session, which residents may not enter. The search thanks you for your interest.
