SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG, TX — Citing an unprecedented opportunity for experiential learning, UTRGV officials announced Wednesday that all classes, activities, and events at the Edinburg campus were cancelled so students could receive hands-on training in what the university is now calling “Real-World Power Outage Studies,” a four-credit interdisciplinary course delivered in real time by AEP Texas.
“We’ve been teaching circuit theory for years, but nothing compares to living it,” said Dr. Ramon Villarreal, newly appointed Chair of the Department of Applied Darkness. “At approximately 11 a.m., the lights went out, the Wi-Fi died, and 30,000 Vaqueros began learning simultaneously. That’s pedagogy.”
Students were instructed to remain in the dark — literally — and complete mandatory coursework, including a 500-word reflective essay titled “What the Refrigerator Hum Means to Me” and a practicum in charging their phone at the Whataburger on University Drive alongside eleven other scholars. Employees were directed to work remotely, which the university defined as “sitting in your living room, also in the dark, feeling essential.”
Faculty Grading Rubric Rewards Creative Descriptions of Sitting Motionless
According to a leaked syllabus, grades will be based on how vividly students describe doing absolutely nothing. “A C student writes ‘the lights went out.’ A B student writes ‘the fluorescents exhaled their last breath.’ An A student compares the vending machine’s dying hum to their abuela’s fan in July,” explained Professor Dana Cruz, who was grading outage reports by candlelight in her McAAllen-adjacent office. “Honestly, some of these kids are describing the darkness with more emotional range than my entire graduate seminar.”
Essential staff were asked to consult their supervisors to determine whether they were essential, a process officials described as “the real final exam.”
AEP Texas Praised as ‘Adjunct Faculty of the Semester’
The university announced it would honor AEP Texas with an honorary doctorate in Curriculum Delivery. “Their pedagogical method is unorthodox — no syllabus, no warning, no power — but the engagement metrics are undeniable,” said a UTRGV spokesperson from a parking lot, shouting into a dead phone.
Officials confirmed that if power is restored before the withdrawal deadline, students may petition to keep the outage as an elective.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Will the outage count toward my degree plan?
A: Yes. It satisfies both a lab science requirement and the university’s new “Resilience in Low Light” core competency.
Q: What if the power comes back on?
A: Classes resume immediately and the darkness training converts to an independent study. Tuition is non-refundable either way.
