SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — City officials unveiled the new four-mile, 11-foot fence at South Texas International Airport this week, proudly declaring the $2 million barrier "pig-proof, javelina-resistant, and Roel-proof." The last descriptor came as a surprise to Roel Garza, 34, who had been hopping the old fence every Tuesday since 2019 to fish in the retention pond near Runway 3.
"I used to just grab the top and swing over," said Garza, staring at the imposing structure buried two feet underground. "Now I’d need a ladder, a rope, and probably a notarized letter from my mom."
The fence, funded with federal dollars, was designed primarily to stop feral hogs from tunneling onto the airfield like pork-flavored prisoners of war. But airport director Ramiro Treviño admitted the project has exceeded expectations.
Unintended Consequences Pile Up Like Mesquite Beans
Within 48 hours of completion, the fence had already thwarted a family of javelinas who used to cross the runway every dawn like they owned the place, a coyote locals had nicknamed "El Gerente" for his supervisory attitude near the cargo area, and one opossum who witnesses say simply sat at the fence line and "looked personally betrayed."
"We underestimated how many creatures had built their entire commute around the old fence," said Treviño. "Turns out the airfield was basically a wildlife HOA. We evicted everyone."
Bordering ranchers have reported a 400% increase in confused pigs milling around the perimeter, leading some to dub the fence line the "Mudhog March."
Garza, for his part, has accepted defeat. "I’ll just fish at the resaca like a normal person," he said. "But I want the city to know those were some good Tuesday fish."
FAQ
Q: Can the pigs eventually dig under it?
A: City engineers say they can try, but they’ll need to bring shovels, a strategic plan, and probably a Gantt chart.
Q: Will Roel ever fish at the retention pond again?
A: Not unless he enrolls in flight school, which he is now genuinely considering.
