SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
SAN BENITO — Standing beside an excavator it praised as “the hardest-working actor in the Valley,” Cameron County Irrigation District No. 2 announced Thursday that crews have begun removing the water hyacinth from a San Benito resaca for the second time this year, officially confirming the plant has been renewed for another season. Work started near Old Sam Houston Boulevard and will move to the Business 77 stretch in November — the same stretch crews spent 45 days clearing earlier this year in what the district now refers to as “the original film.”
“People ask if we’re upset the hyacinth grew back and covered the whole resaca again. Upset? That’s a franchise delivering,” said Marisol Cavazos, the district’s newly created Director of Perennial Affairs. “Forty-five days, dump trucks rolling out of here like it was premiere night. You don’t cancel a plant with those numbers. You greenlight the sequel.”
Annual Budget Line Confirms Plant Has Multi-Year Deal
Officials pointed to the district budget, which sets aside money every single year for fuel, excavator hours, and staff, as proof the arrangement is professional and long-term. “We don’t fight this plant. We schedule it,” Cavazos said, noting the line item functions as the hyacinth’s backend deal, complete with a courtesy clause requiring new growth to be spot-treated — or, in district language, “sent back for reshoots.”
Crews hope to finish the Business 77 return trip before Jan. 1 so the project closes the fiscal year on budget, with follow-ups already planned for 2027, 2028 and, per one planning slide, “every year until the resaca achieves consciousness.” Leadership is also counting on winter to slow the plant’s growth enough for teams to catch up — a tactic one operator compared to politely asking the villain to take it easy during act two.
“I’ve pulled this same hyacinth out of this same water twice this year alone,” said fictional excavator operator Cuco Barragán, patting the machine’s arm like a co-star. “At this point it has tenure. I just drive it to work.”
Responding to critics who note that removing the same plant twice in one year is not, technically, removing it, the district insisted the rematch is on schedule, the dump trucks are under contract, and next year’s removal is budgeted in pencil that turns to ink every October. “Finishing before New Year’s isn’t a deadline, it’s a courtesy to the plant,” Cavazos said. “You want the next one greenlit, you deliver on time.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How many times has San Benito removed this hyacinth in 2026?
A: Two, which the district describes as “one original and one sequel,” with reshoots ongoing near Business 77.
Q: Who pays for the second removal?
A: The annual budget does — fuel, equipment, and staff are renewed every year, right on time, exactly like the hyacinth.
