SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MERCEDES — Standing beneath brand-new LED light poles blazing at full noon brightness over a diamond with no games on the schedule, city officials declared Monday that the $340,000 upgrade of the Kennedy Collier Park baseball fields has officially begun — proven, they said, by the gleaming scoreboard crews installed first so the dirt can watch itself get level.
“Nothing has moved, nothing has been graded, and that’s exactly the point,” said Rutilo “Roo” Cavazos, the city’s newly created Deputy Director of Horizontal Outcomes, gesturing at the board’s glowing 0-0. “You can’t expect dirt to flatten itself without feedback. Every morning that scoreboard reads zero-zero, the infield knows it still has work to do. That’s an honest zero. This dirt hasn’t earned a run.”
Under the city’s official eight-week timeline, the project’s four components — leveling, LED lights, irrigation repairs, and scoreboards on every field — will be completed in reverse order of importance. The scoreboards went up this week, the lights follow next week, and the actual leveling has been lovingly scheduled for the final Thursday of the window, between 2 and 4 p.m., weather permitting.
Lights On At 2 P.M., Because Dirt Can’t Improve In The Dark
The LED fixtures will run around the clock so the dirt can “see what it’s supposed to become” overnight, while the irrigation repairs have been reclassified as beverages for the audience. An estimated 400 gallons a week will now be sprayed not on grass but directly onto the viewing surface, keeping the dirt comfortable during its own renovation.
“Baseball is a big thing in the Valley, and these are big-league amenities,” said Beto Reyna, 54, an invented longtime youth coach who drove in from Weslaco just to watch a scoreboard face an unrenovated diamond. “Thirty years I’ve coached kids. Never seen dirt with better seats than the parents.”
‘A Watched Infield Cannot Sprain An Ankle’
City attorneys confirmed the fields will be declared legally safe for children the moment a scoreboard is watching them, citing the settled municipal principle that observed dirt cannot hurt a kid. “A welcoming facility starts with surveillance,” Cavazos said. “No ankle has ever rolled on an infield with eyes on it. We’re simply applying that logic at a $340,000 price point.”
The scoreboard will hold at 0-0 until the dirt achieves levelness, at which point officials say it will tick to 1-1, out of respect for how far it’s come.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why install the scoreboard before leveling the field?
Officials say motivation. Dirt performs better when it can see the standings, and a daily 0-0 reminds the infield that flatness is a choice.
When will the dirt actually be level?
Week eight, Thursday, 2 to 4 p.m., immediately after the ribbon-cutting for the lights. Residents are encouraged to bring lawn chairs and watch the dirt’s final inning.
