SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — With heavy machinery already carving foundations into 1,100 acres east of Valley International Airport, the Harlingen City Commission convened a special session Tuesday to continue deliberating whether rain that falls outside city limits can legally enter a city canal, or whether that rain must first file an interlocal agreement.
Fluidstack began moving dirt this week on its $4 billion data center campus, a facility that will consume enough water and electricity to sustain a medium-sized nation, while commissioners weighed a motion to table a subcommittee recommendation to study whether cloud moisture crossing the extraterritorial jurisdiction retains its county identity upon contact with Arroyo Colorado waterways.
“We’re not saying the rain can’t come in,” said Commissioner-at-Largeplaceholder Ramiro “hopefully” Fuentes, an invented official. “We’re saying we need a town hall, a drainage impact fee schedule, and a notarized affidavit from each individual storm confirming where it was born.”
Company Offers $20 Million; City Requests Rain’s Birth Certificate
Fluidstack has offered Harlingen $20 million plus funding to widen a city canal for stormwater discharge. In response, the city formed the Ad Hoc Committee on Precipitation Jurisdiction, which has met four times and successfully determined that water is wet by a 4–3 vote, with one abstention pending legal review.
“They’re already digging,” said one exasperated resident at the public comment podium, a fictional carpenter named Delia. “There’s a crane visible from the Whataburger. Meanwhile y’all are arguing about whether a puddle from Rio Hondo needs a permit to visit its cousins in Harlingen.”
Commissioners clarified the crane is merely “aspirational” until the canal-widening memorandum of understanding clears its third reading.
Cameron County Now Negotiating Its Own Rain
Cameron County, which issued the worksite permit and is negotiating its own community benefits package, confirmed it has no such philosophical crisis, because county officials long ago accepted that rain goes wherever rain wants in the Valley.
“The county takes a simpler view,” said an invented county spokesperson. “Water flows downhill. Harlingen flows through committee.”
At press time, the commission had voted unanimously to continue the rain discussion to next month, after which they will debate whether the widened canal constitutes new construction or simply a canal that ate too many tamales. Fluidstack’s data center is projected to be operational first, followed shortly by weather itself, which has reportedly stopped waiting for approval.
FAQ
Q: Has construction actually started?
A: Yes, everywhere except inside the Harlingen commission chamber, where ground remains ceremonially unbroken pending a quorum on the nature of precipitation.
Q: What happens if the city never decides?
A: Sources say the rain will proceed anyway, as it has for 10,000 years, without once submitting a drainage impact study.
