SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Witnesses at Wednesday’s commission meeting described the moment a $27 million infrastructure package, having traveled all the way from a $4 billion data center campus near Valley International Airport, was placed on the agenda, admired briefly, and then tabled — at which point it stood up, thanked commissioners for the comfortable surface, and rolled east toward Brownsville, where Cameron County reportedly signed for it before it reached the front desk.
The money, which had been offered in exchange for letting the data center discharge stormwater into a city-owned canal running four miles to the Arroyo Colorado, appeared confused by the tabling motion. “I’ve been tabled before, but usually someone at least touches me,” the money said in a statement. “In Cameron County they didn’t even ask for ID. They asked if I had friends.”
Money Now Described as ‘Extremely Motivated’
Officials familiar with the negotiation said the $27 million — a $20 million infrastructure bundle stapled to $7 million in drainage improvements — had grown anxious sitting in the same chamber where the March 2025 flood is still discussed in the past, present, and future tense. Sources say it repeatedly checked the room for a working pen before giving up.
“That canal flooded real good last year, and honestly the money was looking forward to fixing it,” said one consulting engineer who asked to remain anonymous because he is also a culvert. “Instead it spent 40 minutes on a table next to a proclamation honoring a beauty pageant queen. It took it personally.”
Cameron County officials confirmed receipt, noting only that their permit printer is located directly beside the front door for speed. “We’re not saying Harlingen is slow,” a county spokesperson said. “We’re saying our stapler was already warm.”
Drainage Improvements Unclear on Which Jurisdiction They Belong To Now
The $7 million drainage portion, the least traveled member of the package, reportedly asked several times whether it could still fix the canal area east of the airport “as a courtesy,” and was told by the county it could fix whatever drains happen to be in the county, which is most of the water, eventually, because water does not read plats.
At press time, Harlingen commissioners had scheduled a special session titled “Where Did It Go,” featuring a map, a laser pointer, and a motion to table the map.
