SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
RAYMONDVILLE, TX— Promising an evening of family entertainment rivaling anything within a 90-minute drive in any direction, the Raymondville Tourist Center threw open its doors Thursday for a community open house celebrating a data center that will not exist until 2028.
Guests, who were greeted with Tucker’s BBQ at 5 p.m. and seated for the 5:45 presentation, were escorted through a series of exhibits honoring Soluna’s proposed Kati 2 facility, including a laminated artist’s rendering, a gallon jug labeled “THE ONLY WATER WE WILL EVER NEED,” and a folding table where attendees could sign their support for a second county tax abatement.
“Most tourist centers show you what a town already has,” said County Commissioner Henry De La Paz, welcoming visitors on behalf of the judge and commissioners. “Ours shows you what a town might have in 2028, pending interconnection studies. That’s called vision.”
The evening’s marquee attraction was a live demonstration of the facility’s cooling system, in which a Soluna community-engagement director invited the crowd to imagine their own car radiator, which is filled with water once and then recirculates that same water forever. Several attendees were seen photographing the jug.
“Wait—forever?” asked local resident Raul Cavazos, 61, after a long silence. “I’ve been topping off my radiator twice a year since 1987 like a sucker.”
“That’s the part that gets them,” the director said, patting the jug, which sources confirmed had been filled once, that afternoon, and had already recirculated through three photo ops.
Visible through the tourist center’s front window, across the road, the company’s existing bitcoin mine hummed quietly—the one that already received a 15-year tax abatement—serving, in the words of one docent, as the facility’s “heritage wing.”
“It’s like the Alamo,” said visitor Dora Lopez, 54, gazing at the mine. “Except instead of remembering it, we’re still paying for it, and instead of a wall, it’s a building full of machines guessing numbers.”
Children were invited to a coloring station featuring 40 line drawings representing the promised permanent jobs, where each child was encouraged to select one job and “hold onto it” for the next four years. Officials stressed that crayons were limited and would not be replaced.
By 6 p.m., the guest book, which doubled as the official record of support for abatement No. 2, had collected 112 signatures, three of which appeared to spell “SOLUNA” in different handwriting.
“Honestly, it’s a lovely event,” said attendee Frank Garza, 47, going back for a second brisket plate. “The rendering is beautiful. The jug is beautiful. The 15 years we’re still covering on the first one across the road is, in a way, also beautiful. I just want to make sure I get my tax break request in before 2028, like everybody else.”
At press time, the tourist center had updated its official area brochure to list the data center between the historic county courthouse and “Harlingen, 35 miles,” with the notation “Opens 2028. Water included once.”
