SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — Surrounded by beaming Public Works supervisors and a laminated “50 Years of Service” plaque she cannot read, the City of Brownsville formally introduced residents Monday to Big Bertha, the oldest working pump in the municipal drainage network and, according to official city communications, the employee who personally handles up to 70 percent of every major downpour moving toward the Rio Grande — one gallon at a time.
Bertha, on the job more than 50 years with a three-foot intake, can move 250,000 to 400,000 gallons of stormwater per minute, a figure officials begged residents not to picture as a firehose, but rather as roughly 400,000 tiny, humble, extremely fast errands completed every sixty seconds by a pump who has never once asked for a raise.
“People hear ‘400,000 gallons a minute’ and they picture some kind of monster,” said Ramiro Fuentes, the city’s newly created Assistant Deputy Director of Pump Morale. “What I see is a colleague making 400,000 trips a minute, holding one gallon each trip. That’s public service. Try doing that at your desk job in Harlingen.”
Officials Ask Residents to Stop Leaving Leaves on Bertha’s Desk
The rollout also clarified staffing. Residents have been quietly deputized as Bertha’s support crew: keep leaves, trash, and debris off her storm grates — described in an internal memo as “not cluttering her workspace” — and call (956) 546-HELP if standing water appears, a hotline officials repeatedly referred to as “basically her administrative assistant.”
“Bertha has never filed a grievance. Not one in fifty years,” said Utilities spokesperson Delia Cavazos, patting a corrugated pipe affectionately. “But when a palm frond jams her grate, it’s like putting a sticky note over her monitor. She cannot do her little errands if you leave paperwork on her desk.”
Succession Plan Is ‘Rain Less,’ Officials Confirm
Asked what happens if Bertha ever retires, officials exchanged a long look and confirmed the city’s official continuity plan is “hopefully it rains less.” A 2019 attempt to throw her a retirement party ended when she moved the entire party’s worth of stormwater into the Rio Grande and everyone agreed to never bring it up again.
“She’s earned the right to take on 70 percent of the next storm, too,” Fuentes said, wiping away tears and one mosquito. “One gallon at a time, Bertha. You keep taking them one at a time.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Is Big Bertha a real city employee?
On paper she is classified as capital equipment, but after 50 years she has accrued more sick leave than any human in Brownsville and a better parking spot than the city manager.
How can I help Big Bertha?
Keep leaves and trash off her grates and call (956) 546-HELP if you see standing water. Do not attempt to hand her a single gallon personally. She’s got it.
