SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDCOUCH, TX — Announcing its first-ever homemade Christmas yard-display contest, the City of Edcouch confirmed this week that holiday spirit within city limits must now stand at least four feet tall, arrive at City Hall by Dec. 2, and come equipped with spikes or a sturdy stick in the back so municipal crews can drive it into the shoulder of Highway 107 like a drainage project that loves you.
“We’re not saying your family’s Christmas meaning is invalid,” said Ramiro Peña, the city’s newly appointed Commissioner of Vertical Festivity, measuring a plywood snowman with an official municipal tape measure. “We’re saying it’s 3 feet 11 inches, and that’s a sentimental easement, not a display. Bring it back with a two-foot rebar tail and we’ll talk.”
Peña stressed the spike provision is non-negotiable, noting that Valley caliche has swallowed entire generations of unsecured joy. “A display without ground penetration is just a craft fair with delusions,” he said. “If the wind takes your wise men to La Blanca, that’s on you.”
Edcouch resident Dora Cavazos said her family spent the weekend retrofitting her abuelo’s 45-year-old pallet-wood Papa Noel with a T-post. “He stands at attention now like he’s guarding the ranch,” she said. “He has never meant Christmas harder.”
Spike It Like You Mean It
Rejected entries so far include a felt nativity denied for “insufficient ground penetration” and a wreath constructed entirely of windshield sun shades, which officials ruled was technically a mood. Families caught adding height with a last-minute sombrero or an inflatable component will be charged with “artificial merriment.”
Once installed, the displays will line Highway 107 shoulder to shoulder, functioning simultaneously as beautification, traffic calming, and what the city describes in official paperwork as “a snow fence of hope.”
Winners To Be Announced at Posada
First, second, and third place will be announced Dec. 16 at the community posada. Judging criteria include height, spike integrity, and how much Christmas means to your family, as assessed by a retired surveyor who will look deeply into your eyes and then at your welds.
“Christmas isn’t about size,” Peña said, stamping a form. “But the permit is.”
