SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — The former Walmart building on Boca Chica Boulevard has officially requested a leave of absence from its duties as a Brownsville landmark, citing emotional exhaustion after the data center proposal became the fifth transformative project to ghost it since 2017.
“I gave everything to that data center,” the 120,000-square-foot structure told sources close to the situation. “We talked about servers. We talked about cooling infrastructure. Then nothing. Not even a text.”
The building’s resume now includes: big-box retail (ended, emotionally), emergency migrant children shelter (ended, complicatedly), rumored trampoline park (never returned calls), proposed indoor recreation facility (lost interest), and most recently, data center (withdrawn July 2024, no explanation given).
The Building Speaks Out
“Meanwhile, Harlingen is out here running public surveys for an indoor rec center at Wilson Sports Complex like they’re committed,” the building added, audibly bitter. “They’re applying for Texas Parks and Wildlife Department grants. They have a TIMELINE. January 2027. That’s a relationship. What do I have? Another zoning meeting where nobody shows up.”
City officials declined to comment on the record but were seen driving past the building slowly, avoiding eye contact.
The structure has reportedly begun attending a support group with other abandoned Valley big-box locations, including a former Kmart in McAllen that now identifies as a “creative opportunity space” and a Harlingen Bealls that has been in a “temporary transitional phase” since the Obama administration.
What Happens Next
City planners are expected to announce a sixth proposal for the site sometime between next Tuesday and the heat death of the universe. Early rumors suggest a boutique axe-throwing lounge, a cybersecurity “innovation hub,” or simply leaving it exactly as it is and calling it “historic preservation.”
“I just want someone to commit,” the building said, rain pooling in its parking lot. “I don’t even care what we do. I’ll be a Dave & Buster’s. I’ll be a Dave & Buster’s, for God’s sake.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Has any building in the RGV ever successfully reinvented itself?
A: A former H-E-B in San Benito became a church, a gym, and a furniture store simultaneously, but it’s currently in therapy.
Q: Is the building accepting new proposals?
A: Yes, but it now requires a $200 non-refundable application fee and three professional references.
