SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
DONNA, Texas — In a bold move that has sent zero shockwaves through the Rio Grande Valley, the City of Donna held a press conference Tuesday to officially declare itself “not the worst city ever,” citing extensive internal research conducted by asking itself.
“We polled the most reliable source we could find,” said Donna’s newly appointed Director of Civic Self-Esteem, Brenda Cuellar, standing in an H-E-B parking lot where the press conference was relocated after City Hall’s AC gave out again. “We asked us. And we said we’re doing great.”
The 47-slide presentation, titled “Donna: Statistically Not the Absolute Bottom,” featured several charts with no axes, a photo of a sunset that turned out to be taken in Mission, and a testimonial from “a guy named Ray” who confirmed Donna was “fine, I guess” before asking if this was going to be on Facebook.
Neighboring Cities Respond With Mild Indifference
Officials in nearby Weslaco declined to comment beyond a statement reading, “We don’t really think about Donna that much, which is probably what they want us to say.” Meanwhile, a Pharr spokesperson appeared confused, asking reporters, “Wait, which one is Donna again? The one with the” before trailing off and walking away.
Alamo’s mayor reportedly laughed for nine uninterrupted minutes, then composed himself and said, “We’re happy for them. Truly. No notes.”
The City of Donna has also launched a new billboard campaign along Expressway 83 featuring the slogan: “DONNA: NOT THE WORST. TRUST US. WE ASKED.” The billboard replaces a previous one that simply read “DONNA” and had been peeling since the Bush administration — the second one.
Local resident Arturo Garza, 58, who has lived in Donna his entire life and was outside the H-E-B buying tortillas during the press conference, offered perhaps the most measured take: “I mean, it’s not great. But have you been to the Valley in July? Nothing is great. At least the H-E-B here has the good bakery section.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What evidence does Donna have that it’s not the worst city ever?
A: They asked themselves and they said no. The methodology is peer-reviewed by their own peers who are also them.
Q: Will Donna release a follow-up study?
A: Yes. The city plans to ask itself again in six months and is confident the results will confirm what they already told themselves.
