SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Flanked by federal officials and a drone still warm from the photo line, the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley announced Monday it had completed the most visually verifiable phase of its $2.2 million USDA screwworm grant: holding an oversized check in front of a banner. The looking, officials confirmed, will begin in the spring.
“Today we celebrate a major milestone,” said a university spokesperson, gripping the comically large check with both hands so it would not blow into a resaca. “The check has been inspected. No larvae. That is two years of rigorous display, ahead of schedule.”
UTRGV was one of 40 winners chosen from 226 applicants, an honor officials credited to arriving with the photograph already framed. The award funds a two-year effort to equip drones with thermal imaging and machine learning so they can find the warmer deer, airdrop sterile flies, deliver treatments, and determine whether ordinary South Texas brush is luring the flies in like a roadside snow-cone stand.
Drones Handed Ambitious Chore Chart, Spring Handed the Start Date
At a hangar on the Edinburg campus, the project’s drones sat beneath a carwash tarp, each wearing a laminated to-do list longer than a taquiza order: scan the wildlife, detect the wounds, drop the sterile flies, ferry the medicine, model the mesquite. Asked whether any of them had looked at a single wound yet, a technician nodded solemnly toward the calendar. “That’s a spring activity,” he said. “Right now they’re recovering from the flash.”
“People ask why we can’t just start looking now,” said project lead Dr. Izel Cavazos, standing beside a drone that had not moved since the ribbon. “And I tell them: you cannot ask a machine to find a warmer deer until the deer are warm. That’s science. Also, the drone is still at the printer getting its badge.”
Brush Remains a Person of Interest
Because researchers will also test whether compounds from common Valley brush attract screwworm flies, the mesquite is officially a suspect. Officials stressed the drones will question the vegetation respectfully, hovering at a courteous altitude until it admits something. “That brush has been standing out there for decades. Real convenient. Real shady,” said one USDA observer. “We’re not saying it’s guilty. We’re saying it’s green.”
The university has scheduled additional check viewings through winter — homecoming, a luncheon, and one quiet private sitting for staff who missed Monday — with surveys to begin the moment spring is confirmed by three bluebonnets and a roadrunner. Until then, the public is asked to report suspicious flies directly to the check.
Frequently Asked Questions
When does the looking start? Spring. The check, however, is viewable immediately, weekdays, in the lobby, at a respectful distance from the drone.
Has the drone found any screwworm? The drone has found the shade behind the facilities truck and, once, its own reflection. Both were cleared.
