SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN — South Texas College officials confirmed this week that the Jaguar Self-Care Den has expanded to every campus across Hidalgo and Starr counties, fulfilling the institution’s promise that no student should have to take a midterm while suspected of using hotel soap from 2019.
The Den, which grew out of the Student Food Pantry after administrators noticed students kept asking for shampoo with the quiet desperation of someone requesting asylum, now offers deodorant, toothpaste, body wash, laundry detergent, sunscreen, and one (1) bottle of conditioner so premium that volunteers keep it behind the front desk in a small safe next to the sign-in clipboard.
‘The Good Stuff’ Reportedly Behind Two Forms of ID
Students complete a needs assessment tied to the pantry system, after which they may receive personal care items once per semester — a timeline volunteers describe as “ambitious” given that hair, teeth, and body odor do not operate on an academic calendar.
“We had maybe 20 students at first,” said one volunteer who asked to be identified only as “the one who restocks the toothpaste and has seen things.” “Now it’s 70. Seventy Jaguars who all want the same conditioner. I’ve started recognizing people by scalp. I shouldn’t be able to do that.”
Officials say emergency extras are available for students facing genuine crises, defined as “anything involving a job interview, a funeral, or a date with someone who doesn’t go to STC and therefore has expectations.”
Grab-and-Go Snacks Next on the Wishlist
The college is also eyeing grab-and-go snacks for between classes, a proposal that has generated more campus excitement than any curriculum change since the Threads Career Closet started handing out interview blazers that smell faintly of faculty closets.
“We’re removing barriers,” said a fictional dean. “A student shouldn’t have to choose between buying deodorant and buying a Scantron. They should only have to choose between the lavender body wash and the unscented, because we are out of the cucumber melon until the next turkey trot fundraiser.”
Donations come from faculty, student organizations, turkey trots, and campus fundraisers, meaning the Den’s inventory fluctuates wildly based on which professor went to H-E-B over the weekend and felt guilty about tenure review season.
As of press time, three students were reportedly camped outside the Pecan Campus Den waiting for the fall conditioner drop, with one holding a handwritten sign that read: “I HAVE A PRESENTATION THURSDAY AND MY HAIR KNOWS.”
FAQ
Q: Can I get conditioner more than once per semester?
A: No. The Den recognizes that hair health is important but not, in the administrative sense, “an emergency.” A real emergency is if you’re out of sunscreen during a July parking lot crossing, at which point you may receive a travel-size bottle and a prayer.
Q: Is the Threads Career Closet blazer supposed to smell like that?
A: Yes. That is the scent of opportunity. Do not question it.
