SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
LOS FRESNOS — In what officials are calling a generous compromise between a family and the taqueria that will eventually replace it, the City of Los Fresnos announced this week that homeowners on the north side of Highway 100 can continue living on their land forever — as long as their houses remain in a state of uninterrupted, unbroken existence.
Under the new ordinance, which passed first reading with all the deliberation of a man waving through a drive-thru, existing homes will be “grandfathered in,” a legal term city staff explained means the house itself is protected, not the concept of a house, not your mortgage, and certainly not the memory of one.
“Nobody is being forced out,” said a city spokesperson, gesturing at a rendering of the corridor in 2040 that showed a car wash, a dental office, a second car wash, and a small commemorative plaque reading ‘A Family Once Lived Here.’ “You can stay as long as you wish. We simply ask that you wish responsibly and avoid hurricanes, hail, foundation issues, fire, raccoons in the attic, and that thing where the slab cracks because it’s the Valley and everything is clay.”
City Clarifies That a Destroyed Home Is Technically a Business Opportunity
Officials confirmed that if a storm were to level a home, the grandfather clause would expire at the exact moment the last wall falls, at which point the lot would be automatically rezoned as a future breakfast taco destination with sentimental value.
“We’ve been very clear,” the spokesperson said. “The house is grandfathered. If there is no house, there is no grandfather. That’s just math. We can’t grandfather a slab. The slab doesn’t have a roof. What is it protecting, the dirt?”
One resident, who asked to be identified only as ‘Still Standing, For Now,’ said she bought her home five or six years ago and was told at a community meeting that her right to rebuild was “being reviewed,” a process she compared to being told the fire department is reviewing whether water is wet.
“They passed the first reading before writing down what happens to us,” she said. “That’s like signing the check before deciding who it’s for. Actually, no — it’s like signing a check made out to a strip mall.”
Second Reading Scheduled for Whenever the Rules Exist
City staff said a rebuild clause may be considered at second reading, which is tentatively scheduled for a date after everyone has stopped asking about it. In the meantime, officials offered residents a complimentary pamphlet titled ‘So Your House Is Fine: A Guide to Staying Fine,’ which recommends bolting furniture to walls, avoiding candles, and praying during hurricane season with a specificity usually reserved for high school football.
“The corridor needs to grow,” the spokesperson added, “and growth requires commercial frontage. But let me be absolutely clear: we love families. Some of my best future tenants will be families.”
