SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — At a Monday news conference that several attendees later described as “extremely reassuring, probably,” Gov. Greg Abbott announced that Boca Chica State Park is absolutely not for sale, will not be sold anytime soon, and is not even scheduled to be discussed at the Nov. 5 Parks and Wildlife Commission meeting, which is itself a meeting that the Parks and Wildlife Department confirms is not considering anything.
“I know very little about this,” Abbott said, gripping the podium with the confidence of a man who knows very much. “But I can tell you the 1,300 acres in question will not be voted on, because the vote does not exist, at a meeting that also does not exist, in a room I am told has been bulldozed into dunes. The park remains 1,055 acres. The other 245 acres were never for sale because they are spiritual.”
The announcement brought relief to Brownsville families who drive the 18 miles east each summer to the remote shore, many of whom said they were comforted to learn the park’s fate would be decided behind a closed door that will not be opening.
“Nothing Is Happening Very Strongly”
A Parks and Wildlife spokesperson clarified that the commission is not considering the sale at its November meeting, has never considered the sale, and would need to schedule a meeting to not consider it in the first place. “We take great pride in the rigor of our non-agenda,” the spokesperson said. “Every item on it has been thoroughly not-discussed in executive session.”
SpaceX, which selected the Boca Chica shore as a test site in 2014 and has since become the beach’s most enthusiastic neighbor, declined to comment, though several witnesses reported a large white tent being erected over a stretch of sand “for no reason.”
Cameron County officials were not available, having reportedly driven three miles north of the Rio Grande’s mouth and walked directly into the Gulf.
Abbott added that no governor in Texas history has preserved more parkland, noting that the best way to preserve a park is to firmly deny anything is happening to it while declining to be briefed on what is happening to it. “The moment I learn details, I could become accountable,” he explained. “That is a risk I refuse to take on behalf of the dunes.”
Locals Celebrate the Non-Sale of the Non-Agenda Item
By Tuesday morning, Valley outlets reported a wave of cautious optimism among beachgoers, who gathered at the park to celebrate its not being sold by a process that does not exist to a company that has not commented.
“Honestly, it’s the most transparent non-transaction I’ve ever seen,” said one Boca Chica visitor, shielding her eyes from a launch plume. “They told us nothing, about nothing, at a meeting about nothing. That’s small government right there.”
The Nov. 5 meeting will proceed as scheduled, officials noted, minus the part that was scheduled.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is Boca Chica State Park for sale?
A: No. Also, the question is not on the agenda. Also, the agenda is not on the agenda.
Q: Then what will be discussed at the Nov. 5 closed-door session?
A: The session is closed primarily to protect the public from finding out.
