SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — In a decisive 3-1 vote, the Cameron County Commissioners Court has approved a $7 million project to more than double the width of the 90-foot canal draining Valley International Airport to the Arroyo Colorado, despite the agenda item containing no exhibits, no cost estimates, no funding sources, and — according to the lone dissenting commissioner — no confirmation of what a “Fluidstack” actually is.
“The paperwork identifies a term or company called ‘Fluidstack,’ and I want to be clear: I have never seen this term before in my life,” said Commissioner Chuy Barbosa, who represents the area and voted no. “For all I know, Fluidstack is a stack of fluids. A tall drink. A weather app. I was not prepared to build a 180-foot ditch for something I could not identify in a lineup.”
County officials assured residents the widening — from 90 feet to 180 feet, with capacity jumping from 1,344 to 4,250 cubic feet per second — is strictly to accommodate stormwater from a data center near Gomez Road and FM 1595, and definitely not, as one resident speculated at public comment, “a waterslide for somebody’s cousin’s contractor friends.”
‘We’ll Read It After We Approve It,’ County Assures Voters
County Judge Emilio Navarro defended the vote, which passed subject to legal review, meaning the legal review will occur at some point after the approval, which is how reviewing works now. “The county’s capital outlay is zero because a third-party project site is paying,” Navarro said, gesturing to a blank easel where the third party’s information would have been displayed. “You can’t argue with zero. Zero is a very strong number. Shows leadership.”
The judge then presented a PowerPoint consisting of one photo of the March 2025 flood around Valley International Airport and the words “WATER BAD? WIDER CANAL GOOD?” in 72-point font, which several commissioners described as “the most persuasive exhibit I’ve ever seen, partly because it was the only exhibit I’ve ever seen.”
Harlingen’s city manager reportedly asked that the Fluidstack portion be spelled out before Wednesday’s discussion, a request the county met by spelling it F-L-U-I-D-S-T-A-C-K in the margins of the unsigned agreement. The company, which previously dangled $20 million for city infrastructure before the city rudely requested a town hall, could not be reached for comment, as no one is entirely sure where to reach it.
Canal Widened Proactively In Case Rain Ever Happens Again
Supporters note the project prepares Harlingen for the Valley’s two seasons — drought and sudden biblical inundation. “This canal will carry 4,250 cubic feet per second of rain that a computer building in South Texas has personally absorbed,” said Precinct 3 Commissioner Blanca Cavazos. “That data center is going to see a lot of rain inside it. That’s just how servers work. Don’t ask follow-ups.”
At press time, the commissioners court had scheduled a follow-up workshop to review the attachments, tentatively set for shortly after construction concludes and the canal begins carrying an unidentified silvery liquid at night.
