SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Confirming that the sequencing was always intentional, the city announced Monday it has begun a thorough legal review of the 50-year water contract the Harlingen WaterWorks board unanimously approved in September 2025, on the novel theory that somebody should probably read it at some point. The deal obligates WaterWorks to hand a proposed 1,785-acre data center campus outside the city limits up to 4.6 million gallons a day of treated sewer water at 75 cents per 1,000 gallons — and, the instant that sewer water runs short or has an off-spec afternoon, to backfill the shortfall with drinking water at $1.83 per 1,000 gallons, the cozy inside-city rate, roughly $1.2 million a year of ongoing conversation.
“We want residents to know we are reading this contract with fresh eyes,” said city spokesperson Trish Cavazos. “Last year we read it with signing eyes.”
Review Finds Contract Suspiciously Clear
The review, conducted by an outside attorney who bills by the clause, has already yielded findings. Among them: the contract runs 20 years from the day the servers wake up, then renews twice, 15 years at a time, automatically, like a magazine subscription from 1998 that keeps arriving at a house where nobody has lived for decades.
“The good news is the contract is extremely clear,” the attorney said. “The bad news is about what it’s clear about.”
Officials stressed the drinking water is strictly a backup, triggered only when the effluent is short, murky, or fails to meet state quality limits — conditions the contract helpfully groups under “any given Tuesday.” Residents are encouraged to think of the aquifer as a spare tire kept in someone else’s car.
Conversation Still Ongoing, Contract Already Answered
At a town hall this week, resident Melly Treviño asked why a campus beyond the city limits pays the inside-city rate instead of $2.75, given that the city charter says only the commission sets rates. A commissioner assured her “that conversation is still ongoing.” Reached separately, the contract said the conversation ended in September 2025, unanimously.
“In hindsight, ‘unanimous’ was a lot of votes for something none of us had opened,” said Commissioner Dub Garza, adjusting a hard hat he has worn to every meeting since, “just in case.”
WaterWorks issued a statement reading, in full, “The conversation is ongoing.” The general manager did not respond to a request for comment, upholding a tradition established by the previous general manager. The city says it is exploring every legal option, including reworking the deal, renegotiating the rate, or reading the whole thing again more slowly, with snacks.
