SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN, TX — After months of drafting regulations for the proposed 1,785-acre, 2-gigawatt data center northeast of town, Harlingen officials announced this week that their final zoning ordinance is so comprehensive, so airtight, and so thoroughly reviewed that exactly one legal location remains for the facility: a 400-foot barge continuously drifting somewhere in the Ship Channel, ideally at night.
“We’re very proud of this ordinance,” said city planner Dale Kubiak, unrolling a 60-foot flowchart across the commission chamber floor. “It addresses power, water, noise, traffic, and aesthetics. And after you satisfy all 214 conditions, the only parcel that qualifies is a vessel in constant motion beyond the three-mile regulatory buffer. We consider that a feature, not a bug.”
The developers, whose land purchase option has now been extended through 2027 and, sources say, emotionally through 2031, reportedly received the news with a certain Valley fatalism. “We asked if we could at least anchor the barge,” said one project consultant. “They said anchoring constitutes a ‘permanent footprint.’ So we’ll be drifting. The servers get seasick, but the latency to Brownsville is honestly fine.”
Ordinance Requires Data Center to Generate Its Own Weather
Under the new rules, the facility must draw zero water from the aquifer, zero power from the grid, produce zero noise, and — per Appendix F — “not be visible from Loop 499 during golden hour.” It must also fund road improvements for roads it will never touch, hire 100% of its workforce from a barge-accessible labor pool, and store its backup generators in a county that isn’t this one.
“We did leave one loophole,” Kubiak admitted. “Section 12 says the facility can’t consume more than 2 gigawatts. It can consume exactly 2 gigawatts, which would brown out everything from San Benito to the outlet mall. But since it has to be on a barge generating its own power anyway, that’s really the Coast Guard’s problem now.”
Commissioners Praise Compromise Nobody Wanted
At Tuesday’s meeting, commissioners voted 6-0 to approve the ordinance, with one abstention from a commissioner who said he was “still reading it” and would remain reading it indefinitely.
“This protects our water, our grid, and our future,” said Mayor Pro Tem Rhonda Cavazos, “while also welcoming innovation to Harlingen, in international waters, technically, if the barge drifts far enough east.”
The developers confirmed they have extended the barge option through 2027 as well, just to keep their options consistent. The barge, they noted, has already begun a slow counterclockwise rotation near the channel that locals have started calling “the cloud.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can the barge dock during a hurricane?
A: Docking triggers a 9-month shoreline review. The ordinance recommends the barge “simply go somewhere else,” which legal scholars call “the Harlingen Clause.”
Q: What if the barge drifts into Port Isabel?
A: Then it becomes Port Isabel’s data center, and Harlingen wins.
