SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Announcing a historic fourth consecutive year of fiscal discipline, city commissioners proudly voted Tuesday to hold the property tax rate at exactly 0.6300 percent, a figure so unchanged that several residents reported feeling their wallets tighten anyway, mysteriously, from the direction of the bathroom.
“We heard the people of Edinburg loud and clear: do not raise our taxes,” said a beaming city official at a podium flanked by two banners reading “0.6300% — STILL” and a decorative fountain running at full pressure. “And we didn’t. We simply relocated the increase six feet to the left, into the shower, where the Constitution doesn’t mention it.”
Under the new plan, the city’s previously approved 11 percent water-rate hike will now appear on utility bills as an “Exemption Preservation Surcharge,” itemized by the gallon, so that homeowners can watch their state homestead relief being lovingly protected in real time every time they wash a dish. City finance staff confirmed the tax rate is technically three ten-thousandths of a percent below the no-new-revenue rate, a margin officials described as “basically a refund” and which works out to roughly one free toilet flush per household, per quarter.
Wastewater Plant Gets Master Plan; Showers Get Metered
The same budget package funnels additional money into a comprehensive water-and-sewer master plan, which officials say will map every pipe in Edinburg so the city knows precisely which one to bill you through. “Phase one is identifying the pipes,” said the city’s utility director. “Phase two is the part where we cry a little, and then Phase three is the surcharge.”
At a packed budget workshop, one resident asked whether the city considered just raising taxes honestly instead. Officials gasped, then laughed, then had the man’s water meter read aloud as a warning to others. “The general fund balance does dip from about $30 million to $27 million by 2027,” acknowledged a finance staffer, “but that’s why God made January rate-study ordinances. The tax rate stays pure. The tap confesses.”
Mayor’s office materials note that even with exemptions growing, the city quietly collected an extra $259,000 last year because new homes and businesses widened the base — money officials say will go toward studying why the water bills keep going up.
Sept. 15 Hearing Set for People Who Enjoy Futility
A public hearing on the proposal is scheduled for Sept. 15, where residents may comment on the water rate for up to three minutes each, timed by a device officials confirmed runs on reclaimed tears.
