SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Announcing it has reserved 1.5 gigawatts of electricity from AEP-Texas — roughly enough power to run every dishwasher in the Western Hemisphere simultaneously — for its $4 billion, 1,100-acre data center campus near Gomez Road and FM 1596, Fluidstack officials soothingly assured Rio Hondo residents this week that the whole thing will hum no louder than a single running dishwasher, half a mile away, behind a tree line that does not exist yet but has been generously offered for planting.
“One point five gigawatts sounds like a lot, but when you convert it to kitchen appliances, it’s really just one dishwasher,” said Fluidstack spokesperson Karla Mendoza-Cruz, sliding a laminated card across the table at the Rio Hondo Municipal Development District briefing. The card showed a cartoon dishwasher wearing a hard hat. “That’s the science. Sixty-five decibels. Your abuela’s dishwasher is louder, and hers is from 1987.”
Company Also Reserves Option On More Dishwashers
Officials confirmed that a possible second phase near FM 106 could add an incremental 5.85 gigawatts between 2029 and 2033, which Mendoza-Cruz described as “basically seven more dishwashers, but quieter, and stacked.” Asked how 7.35 total gigawatts could still top out at 65 decibels, she explained that the dishwashers would take turns.
“They’re very polite dishwashers,” she said. “They run in shifts, they don’t do loud work early morning or evening, and they will be hidden behind trees. Which we will plant. Once we find trees that grow half a mile tall.”
Rio Hondo Mayor Gus Olivares could not be reached for comment, as his phone, sources confirmed, is a dishwasher. Cameron County officials declined to comment, which at press time registered at 0 decibels, making it the quietest thing associated with the project.
Neighbors Consulted, Sort Of
“They told us it would sound like a dishwasher,” said one Gomez Road resident, staring at the horizon. “They didn’t say whose dishwasher, or where that dishwasher lives, or how many dishwashers a gigawatt is. I asked. The man said, ‘a normal amount.'”
Fluidstack maintains the massive reservation is precautionary and it “could use less,” comparing the 1.5 gigawatts to buying a giant Costco pack of dishwashers just in case company representatives reached by phone reiterated the firm’s commitment to “being a good neighbor” and confirmed the tree line remains on order, currently backordered.
