SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Speaking before a packed room at the Rio Hondo Municipal Development District, a Fluidstack representative confirmed Tuesday that the company’s 1,100-acre, $4 billion data center campus near Gomez Road and FM 1596 — with 1.5 gigawatts already reserved from AEP-Texas and 5.85 incremental gigawatts planned between 2029 and 2033 — will produce a sound best described as “a dishwasher, but a polite one.”
“Think of the quietest dishwasher you’ve ever heard,” said Fluidstack community liaison Dale Pertwee, gesturing toward a slide of a single KitchenAid. “Now imagine 7.35 gigawatts of that. That’s it. That’s the whole sound. Your grandmother’s dishwasher in Mission is louder.”
Company Unveils Ambitious Tree-Adjacent Noise Strategy
Pertwee explained that because the expansion will sit a half-mile from the nearest homes and behind the tree line, most Rio Hondo residents will experience the campus primarily as “a faint, soothing kitchen appliance roughly four miles southwest of town, as understood by the soul.” To ensure compliance, Fluidstack will cap boundary noise at 65 decibels, a figure Pertwee insisted is “technically a dishwasher if the dishwasher is large enough, and ours is 1,100 acres.”
“We measured it,” he said. “We took a decibel meter to a dishwasher in San Benito, then we took a decibel meter to 40,000 server racks, and honestly, the readings got embarrassing. For the dishwasher.”
Residents asked whether the trees would be mature at installation. Pertwee confirmed the company will plant trees in 2029 that will be fully mature, mood-setting trees by 2029 and a half. “These are fast trees. Valley soil. They’ll be at full dishwasher-muffling height before the second project even starts around 2030, possibly before it’s announced, possibly already done.”
Cameron County officials declined to comment, and Rio Hondo Mayor Gus Olivares did not return calls, which Pertwee characterized as “the sound of leadership — quiet, like a dishwasher on the rinse cycle.”
Second Dishwasher Not Ruled Out
Pressed on whether 5.85 additional gigawatts might sound like two dishwashells, or perhaps several, Pertwee bristled. “It will still be one dishwasher. Bigger. Load-ier. A dishwasher with the power draw of a mid-sized country, but acoustically, your Aunt’s Whirlpool.” He added the project would ease demand on the ERCOT grid by using on-site generation, “which is also a dishwasher, energetically speaking.”
Local resident Ofelia Cavazos, 61, said she remained skeptical. “I live four miles out and I can already hear my neighbor’s dishwasher. If Fluidstack moves in, that’s two. Nobody in Rio Hondo has counter space for this.”
At press time, Fluidstack had reportedly reserved an additional 200 megawatts “just for the drying cycle.”
