SATIRE: UTRGV redshirt senior quarterback Eddie Lee Marburger, following a record-breaking season that included 31 passing touchdowns and more than 3,000 yards of total offense, is now being considered for the positions of Texas Governor, Pope, and the newly created cabinet role of Secretary of Tailgating.
A Meteoric Rise to Prominence
The Sharyland Pioneer High School alumnus led the Vaqueros to a 9-3 record and an undefeated home record of 7-0, earning him Southland Conference Newcomer of the Year honors and finalist status for the prestigious Walter Payton Award. However, his influence has now extended far beyond the football field. Local politicians have begun drafting legislation that would allow Marburger to simultaneously hold public office while calling audibles.
‘Eddie Lee represents everything great about the Valley,’ said one enthusiastic state representative who was tailgating outside the stadium at 7 AM on a Tuesday. ‘If he can throw a 60-yard post route against Northwestern State, he can certainly balance the state budget.’ A grassroots campaign titled ‘Marburger for Everything’ has reportedly gathered signatures from every resident who has ever watched a football game and thought, ‘That guy should be in charge of my tax dollars.’
The Walter Payton Award and Beyond
Miguel Barrera, who runs the Ghost Desk of Athletic Deification, confirmed that Marburger’s name is being written in on ballots for offices that do not technically exist. ‘People want him to coach the team, run the university, and bless their homes before football season,’ Barrera explained while ironing a Vaqueros jersey.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can Eddie Lee Marburger actually become Pope?
A: Theology experts say no, but Valley residents remain undeterred and have already started designing the papal crozier in Vaquero orange and green.
Q: Will he return for another season?
A: He is technically out of eligibility, but the NCAA is considering creating a special exemption for players who have achieved local mythological status.
