SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — The National Weather Service office in Brownsville issued its November-through-January outlook this week with total confidence, promising the Rio Grande Valley a winter that will be warmer than normal, cooler than normal, or exactly normal — all three rated “equal chances,” with cooler than normal quietly footnoted as the least likely of the three equal things.
“We stand behind this forecast one hundred percent, whichever one happens,” said long-range forecaster Dub “Chances” Cavazos, presenting the outlook via three poster boards stapled together. “Saying all three outcomes are equally likely while cool is the least likely is not a contradiction. It’s meteorology’s version of ordering the whole menu and pre-sending-back one enchilada.”
Winter Held In Escrow; Sierra Madre Charging A Toll
Officials trimmed the odds of a wetter-than-normal winter, citing a negative Pacific Decadal Oscillation (“the Pacific has been in a mood,” Cavazos said), storm tracks drifting north, and the Sierra Madre Oriental, which wrings California storms dry somewhere over Coahuila. “Every system leaves California with a full suitcase,” Cavazos said. “The Sierra Madre keeps the suitcase. That’s the toll.” A 20 to 40 percent chance of a wetter pattern remains, a number the office called “the most stable thing in the document, because it can be wrong twice.”
Drought is expected to improve in some areas and worsen in others, possibly within the same field. Falcon and Amistad reservoirs will hover near record-low combined storage, a figure so consistent locals have started using it as a landmark.
Cold Fronts By Appointment; Ice Zoned Exclusively To The Ranch Lands
Although cooler-than-normal remains the least likely outcome, the office has already scheduled one or two Texas Gulf lows for late November into December, featuring lows in the low-to-mid 40s, wind chills of 30 to 35, and gale-force northers arriving with the punctuality of a utility bill.
“The cold fronts are contracted separately from the season,” said office spokesperson Luz Mireles. “Winter itself is still in committee. The northers are booked and non-refundable.”
Minor icing in December and January has been zoned exclusively to the ranch lands, where one Falfurrias rancher was notified by mail. “They put the ice out here because nobody has to reschedule a quinceañera over it,” he said, wrapping his pumps ahead of moisture that is 20 to 40 percent coming.
Mireles confirmed an updated outlook will be issued as soon as winter stops ghosting the region. “Until then, dress for all three,” she said. “That’s not indecision. That’s range.”
Q: So is it going to be cold or not?
A: Cooler than normal is one of three equally likely outcomes and also the least likely of them. The 40-degree wind chills, however, are booked from late November into December regardless of what the season decides.
Q: Why does the ice keep landing in the ranch lands?
A: Zoning. Minor December and January icing is assigned to ranch country, where it can fall without ruining anyone’s weekend. City residents requesting ice will be redirected to their freezers, which are 100 percent forecast to work.
