SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — In a dramatic 4-1 vote Wednesday, the Harlingen City Commission rejected the city’s first proposed property tax increase in seven years after a lengthy closed-session examination of a half-cent concluded that the object was, in fact, still a whole unit of currency.
“We put it under the microscope, we weighed it, we bit it like a peso at a flea market, and folks — it’s money,” said one commissioner, shaking his head. “You start accepting half-cents from people and the next thing you know they’re paying with feelings.”
The commission had floated raising the rate to 53.106 cents per $100 of valuation, which would have generated roughly $281,000 toward a $72 million general fund. Instead, commissioners kept the rate at 0.5260 and handed City Manager a scavenger hunt: find $281,000 somewhere inside a budget that already funds an animal shelter, two drainage crews, and a $2.7 million police contract.
Commission Cites Existing Collection Efforts Known as ‘the Water Bill’
Defenders of the kill-the-coin vote noted Harlingen residents are already generously donating to a $280 million sewer overhaul every month through water rates that climb like summer temperatures.
“Why raise taxes when the water bill is already doing the Lord’s work?” said a fictional resident outside city hall. “That bill collects. That bill does not miss.”
Mayor Norma Sepulveda cast the lone dissenting vote, reportedly staring at the half-cent for several minutes like it owed her an apology.
“Seven years without a hike, and we flinch at HALF a cent,” the mayor said, holding up a coin-shaped shadow. “Do you know what half a cent buys? Neither do I, because we never got one.”
Cuts to Come From Somewhere, Officials Confirm Somewhere Exists
Staff confirmed the missing $281,000 will be located “in the usual place,” which sources describe as “wherever the last $281,000 wasn’t.” Early options include the animal shelter switching to a strictly volunteer squirrel patrol, and one drainage crew being replaced by one very motivated drainage guy.
The $33.6 million fund balance remains untouched, officials said, because touching the fund balance is widely believed to trigger a curse.
“We said no to a half-cent today,” one commissioner said, tearing up. “And when Harlingen says no to half a cent, we mean the whole half. God bless.”
