SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — In a decisive 5-0 vote, the Harlingen City Commission voted Tuesday to extend its data center moratorium another 120 to 180 days, giving Brownsville’s Ambiotec Engineering ample time to complete a rigorous $340,000 study determining whether data centers have remained data centers since the moratorium began in May.
“When we paused these projects, a data center was a large building full of servers consuming enormous amounts of water and power,” said Commissioner At-Large placeholder quote source Rick Delgado. “But five months is a long time. For all we know, they’ve evolved. We owe it to residents near Valley International Airport to confirm the data center hasn’t become, say, a margarita factory, which would be subject to entirely different permitting.”
The study’s scope is ambitious: engineers will examine the proposed 1,800-acre Eneus Energy site’s impact on residents, water, energy, the environment, and — most critically — whether it still qualifies as a data center under the classical definition established by the ancient Greeks, who stored their data in clay pots.
Engineers Deploy Sophisticated Verification Methods
Ambiotec’s team has already begun fieldwork, including shining a flashlight at the empty acreage outside city limits and confirming the absence of any servers that may have wandered in since May.
“Preliminary findings are encouraging,” said lead engineer fictional-person Carla Puente, holding a clipboard. “So far, the data center has not moved, changed species, or applied for a variance to become a bounce house. But we cannot rush science. We’ll need at least 180 more days, possibly 180 more after that, and ideally a second study to study the first study.”
City officials emphasized the extension is not delay for delay’s sake, noting Harlingen has already signed a reclaimed-water agreement with the project it is currently refusing to permit, a arrangement one commissioner described as “like buying a boat and then banning the lake.”
Moratorium Now Considered a Harlingen Institution
Locals say the moratorium has quietly become part of the city’s identity, joining the shuffleboard courts and the world’s largest hummingbird mural as beloved civic landmarks.
“Honestly I hope they never finish studying,” said invented resident Gene Villarreal, fishing at a retention pond. “That empty field out by the airport is the most transparent government project we’ve ever had. You can see all of it. Zero servers, zero secrets.”
City staff confirmed that if the study concludes data centers are, in fact, still data centers, a follow-up study will examine whether Harlingen is still Harlingen, expected to take four to six years.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How long will the study take?
A: 120 to 180 days, which in Harlingen engineering time converts to ‘until the heat death of the universe, whichever comes first.’
Q: What happens if engineers determine data centers are no longer data centers?
A: The city will immediately begin a moratorium on whatever they’ve become instead.
