SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — After an 18-month pause so generous it briefly made residents suspicious, Harlingen WaterWorks System announced Sunday it will resume raising everyone’s bills Oct. 1, explaining that the nearly $35 million in state grants it secured as “relief” turned out to be insufficient relief from the relief residents had not yet received.
“We didn’t want it to be unfair, so we delayed the hike, then we found $35 million, and honestly that’s when we realized we were still behind,” said a utility spokesperson, sliding a laminated card across the table. “This is the second increase. It is also the fourth increase. Please do not ask follow-up questions about that.”
Under the new schedule, a typical monthly bill will begin its ceremonial journey from roughly $30 to roughly $63 by 2028, funding a $280 million sewer master plan featuring an interceptor pipeline, a deeper lift station, and gravity lines to replace the old lift stations that have been overflowing with what officials described as “enthusiasm.”
Utility Introduces Loyalty Punch Card for Rate Hikes
Residents received a punch card confirming this October’s increase as hike No. 2, hike No. 4, or both, depending on which decade of the spreadsheet is speaking. After 10 punches, customers earn a free month of water, redeemable during any month in which the $109 million capital-improvement budget is not “in major construction,” a condition with no documented occurrences.
“We’re third-lowest in the Valley behind Edinburg and Mission,” the spokesperson said. “Do you know how embarrassing that is at the utility conferences? McAllen’s pipes are basically gold-plated. We can’t even look Mission in the eye.”
Public-housing accounts will receive a “lifeline” discount, described by officials as a courtesy rope thrown to certain residents while everyone else treads water funding a $280 million apology to the city’s plumbing.
Sewer Projects Remain Fashionably Late
The big sewer jobs are still slated for “late 2026 or early 2027,” a timeframe officials confirmed is technically also “late,” which they noted is consistent with being behind, which is the reason for the charge, which is the reason for the delay, which is the reason for the $35 million, which was insufficient.
“The circle of infrastructure,” the spokesperson said, drawing a circle on a whiteboard that had not been erased since 2014. “It’s beautiful, really.”
At press time, WaterWorks had announced a future delay of a future increase to give residents relief from the increase they are currently receiving relief from receiving.
