SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
Mission Valley business leaders celebrated this week after McAllen secured a $6 million federal grant for a new 47-acre industrial park near the international bridges, then immediately began mentally preparing for the 47 separate City Council votes, six public comment periods, two zoning purifications, and one ceremonial burning of the infrastructure feasibility binder required before anyone can legally move a rock.
The grant, announced during a visit by U.S. Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick to the GE Aerospace plant, will fund roads, water, sewer, and utilities for the site — all of which must first be individually approved, re-approved, commemorated with a bronze plaque, and then approved one more time for safety.
Democracy Moves At The Speed Of Paved Roads, Which Is To Say Slowly
“We are thrilled to announce that we will eventually, at some undetermined point in the future, possibly begin thinking about starting this project,” said a city spokesperson while handing out a 900-page packet titled “Phase One Of Phase Zero: Pre-Scoping Framework Alignment.”
City officials confirmed the first vote — to authorize a study about whether to form a committee to explore the possibility of scheduling a meeting — passed 6-1, with one dissenting council member arguing the city should study whether to study the study first.
The projected 500 new jobs and $34.5 million in private investment are expected to arrive sometime between 2027 and the heat death of the universe, depending on how long it takes to get the water line proposal past the Infrastructure Sub-Subcommittee on Things That Are Wet.
Weslaco Coffee Shop Owners Watch And Nervously Sip Their Drinks
The announcement comes as a parallel Weslaco road project recently cratered sales at a local coffee shop after the city admitted it forgot to notify businesses about construction. McAllen officials have assured residents they will not make the same mistake, and instead will notify every business in Hidalgo County via certified mail, carrier pigeon, WhatsApp message, and a guy named Raul who stands at the corner of Bicentennial and 10th with a megaphone every other Tuesday.
“On the bright side,” added the spokesperson, “by the time we finish voting, the youth this park is supposed to employ will be old enough to run for City Council themselves.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Will there actually be an industrial park someday?
A: Absolutely. Just as soon as the city completes the required 47-acre ritual of approvals, including Vote #23, which officially designates the dirt as “strategically located.”
Q: How can I follow the progress?
A: Attend any City Council meeting for the next several years and listen for the phrase “we’re moving forward” repeated with increasing desperation.
