SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
WESLACO — Following a fiber-optic installation project that struck three separate water lines in a single workday, the City of Weslaco confirmed Monday it has mailed contractors a fully itemized invoice covering 400,000 gallons of escaped water, emergency repair labor, and a newly created line item labeled “Impromptu Municipal Water Features, Qty: 3.”
“We itemized everything,” said city utilities director Ramiro Fuentes, sliding a nine-page invoice across the table. “Geyser One, 10:15 a.m., Texas Boulevard — that one had real arc, real commitment. Geyser Two, 1:40 p.m., we charged a convenience fee because they didn’t even call 811 first. By Geyser Three at 4 p.m., honestly, we were impressed. Nobody irrigates like that on purpose.”
The fiber crew reportedly mistook the city’s underground water infrastructure for “decorative pipes” and began excavating with what witnesses described as “the confidence of men who had never once wondered what was under Weslaco.” By mid-afternoon, the crew had achieved a rare Valley trifecta: three pressurized fountains, one flooded tortilla parking lot, and a spontaneous splash pad that local children enjoyed for eleven minutes before officials shut it down.
City Requires Pre-Construction Meeting, Snacks Not Provided
Weslaco also announced all future excavation work must begin with a mandatory pre-construction meeting in which contractors are shown a map, a photo of a water line, and a brief PowerPoint titled “There Is Water Under There: A Primer.”
“At the meeting, we point at the ground and say ‘agua’ very slowly,” Fuentes explained. “If a contractor nods, we proceed. If he reaches for the shovel anyway, we escort him to Harlingen for a wellness check.”
Fiber company spokesperson Dale Kowalski defended the crew, noting that “fiber and water are both liquids if you think about it” and that the geysers had “honestly improved neighborhood broadband ambiance.” He confirmed the company would dispute the invoice, particularly the $75 charge for “emotional damages to the tortilla parking lot.”
Residents Rally Around the Geysers
Locals, meanwhile, mourned the fountains’ passing. “Best water show we’ve had since the 2018 main break on Pike Boulevard,” said lifelong resident Connie Reyes, filming the last geyser for her grandkids. “You couldn’t buy that at the water park. Well, you could, but not with this kind of civic rage behind it.”
The city confirmed the fiber project will resume once contractors pass a written exam, currently one question long: “Is there a water line where you are about to dig? (Yes / Yes).”
FAQ
Q: Why did the crew hit three water lines in one day?
A: Officials say the crew treated the utility map as “a suggestion,” and the shovels as “a lifestyle.”
Q: Will Weslaco get more geysers?
A: Only if contractors skip the pre-construction meeting, which the city now considers a subscription service.
