SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
MISSION, TX — Bringing the same can-do spirit to pet death that it brings to brush pickup, the Mission City Council voted unanimously this week to offer free curbside removal of dead dogs, cats, and other small animals, provided the deceased is bagged, at the curb, and light enough to qualify.
Under the new animal code, Animal Control will collect bagged pets between 7 a.m. and 3 p.m., Monday through Friday, converting what was once an unscheduled tragedy into something with a service window. Mayor Pro-Tem Ruben Plata was absent for the vote and is believed to be the only council member unwilling to look a grieving man in the eye and ask what the dog weighed.
“For years, families in Mission had to grieve on their own schedule,” said Councilwoman Jessica Ortega, who praised the rewrite. “Now they can grieve on the city’s.”
The ordinance is precise. Bag it. Curb it. Beat the 3 o’clock. Anything under 70 pounds rides free, while heavier animals trigger a $50 fee — a pricing structure officials modeled on airline baggage policy with what they described as “encouraging results.”
“This code is about the wellbeing of every animal in Mission, housed or not,” said shelter manager Julianna Martinez, resting a hand on the industrial livestock scale now bolted to the intake counter. “Including the ones under 70 pounds, who will always travel free.”
Residents who miss the 3 p.m. cutoff are asked to store their pet in the garage until the next business day, as death, much like a missed bulk pickup, does not entitle anyone to weekend service. A carcass left at the curb longer than six hours is formally classified as a public nuisance, placing a departed Chihuahua in the same municipal category as a junk car and, until last spring, the mayor’s boat.
Livestock over 50 pounds remains the owner’s problem. City officials confirmed they drew the line at the pasture and have no plans to move it.
The same ordinance also bans feeding strays on public property, including tossing bread to the ducks at Bannworth Park, meaning Mission will now haul away your dog for free but will fine you for processing your feelings at the pond afterward.
Dogs are additionally barred from barking between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m., a rule the city stressed applies only to dogs that are alive.
“Honestly, it’s a relief,” said Mission resident Carla Peña, 47, who has already cleared a spot next to the recycling bin. “When Biscuit goes, I’m weighing him the week before so there are no surprises at the curb. That’s not cold. That’s planning.”
At press time, Animal Control had confirmed the trucks run rain or shine, but not Saturday, because, per the city, “even loss observes the weekend.”
