SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
McALLEN — Hailing a decisive victory over a growth curve that no one will be allowed to touch for more than two years, officials approved a $50 million, three-story Health Education and Research Building at Texas A&M–McAllen this week so the campus’s 650 students can begin waiting immediately to enter it in January 2029.
“Enrollment grew 30 percent last year, which sounds small, because it is,” said campus spokesperson Darla Peña, gesturing at a rendering of the 49,400-square-foot building. “But a curve is a curve, and the only way to stay ahead of one is to build a $50 million building in front of it and then stand beside that building, confidently, until 2029.”
Construction begins in December 2026 and wraps in November 2028, giving the structure a full two months to practice holding itself up before anyone educated steps inside. The building — the campus’s third — will feature a clinical skills lab, a testing center, a campus library, a makerspace, and an innovation studio, each of which will remain aggressively ahead of the curve while containing absolutely nothing.
Officials Praise Building For Staying Ahead Of Curve While Empty
“That makerspace won’t make a single thing until 2029, which frankly puts it ahead of several other curves we’re tracking,” said project architect Bo Whitley of Harlingen, tapping a heat-warped blueprint. “Most rooms fill up the moment they’re built. Ours will spend 26 months achieving its potential. That’s discipline.”
Funding is split evenly between $25 million in state money and $25 million from the Available University Fund, which a comptroller’s aide described as “available mostly for waiting.” Current sophomores, who will graduate before the doors unlock, were encouraged to think of themselves as the curve the building has been outrunning all along.
Valley Pharmacies Asked To Hold On Until Help Arrives In 2029
Because the building will house the pharmacy technician program created to ease the Valley’s pharmacy-tech shortage, drugstores from Edinburg to Mission have been politely asked to stretch existing staff across three more years of double shifts.
“Hold on. Reinforcements are coming,” said fictional dean Marisol Cabrera, addressing a Zoom room of exhausted pharmacists. “They are coming in January 2029, and they will be extremely well-housed.”
Until then, students may view the construction site from the campus’s existing buildings, a privilege the university is calling “30 percent of the educational experience” and which will now count toward a new core requirement, WAIT 1301: Introduction to Awaiting.
