SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — With the city’s original 120-day moratorium on data centers set to expire in mid-October, Harlingen commissioners voted this week to extend the pause another 60 days, giving an engineering firm the time it needs to determine whether data centers are still, in fact, data centers.
The extension pushes the total moratorium to 180 days, the maximum allowed by law before a city must either pass an ordinance or admit it has simply grown fond of not deciding. Officials stressed there are currently zero data center proposals inside Harlingen city limits, which one commissioner described as “exactly why we can’t rush this.”
“The first study told us data centers use water, sewer, and electricity,” said Assistant Planning Director Gerald Luna-Cantu, unfolding a chart that was just the word “ELECTRICITY?” written in marker. “But that was a 120-day answer. The question may have changed since May. We owe it to residents to confirm that a building full of humming computers in December is fundamentally the same building full of humming computers it was in October.”
Consultants To Spend 60 Days Verifying Water Is Still Wet
The engineering firm, paid out of city funds, will spend the extension studying whether data centers still draw millions of gallons of water daily, whether pipes still carry sewage in the same direction, and whether electricity remains the thing that comes out of outlets. Preliminary findings indicate “probably,” but officials say a second draft with heavier laminated covers is needed before the city can classify data centers as heavy industrial use.
“People think government is slow,” said Commissioner-at-Large Rosa Peña. “It’s not slow. It’s thorough. There’s a difference, and we’ve commissioned a separate 30-day study to define it.”
Under the eventual zoning plan, any proposed data center would be classified as heavy industrial, placing it alongside refineries and feedlots — a category several commissioners acknowledged was drafted after watching a YouTube video about server cooling at 1 a.m.
Valley Cities Watching Closely, Also Watching Nothing Happen
Neighboring cities have reportedly taken notice. San Benito is rumored to be considering a moratorium on data centers just to have something to extend later, while Weslaco officials asked if the engineering firm could also check whether parking lots are still parking lots.
Harlingen’s moratorium now runs through December, at which point the city expects to either adopt permanent rules or request a study on whether December is still December. “We’re not kicking the can down the road,” Luna-Cantu insisted. “We’re commissioning a longitudinal analysis of the can.”
At press time, the engineering firm had requested an additional two weeks to determine whether the extension of the moratorium on data centers constitutes a data center.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Are there any data centers proposed in Harlingen right now?
A: No. Zero. Which officials say is the most dangerous number of data centers.
Q: What will the extra 60 days accomplish?
A: Engineers hope to confirm water, sewer, and electricity have not changed their policies since the first study.
