SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — Brownsville’s new 11-member task force on data centers took the oath of office Wednesday at the Brownsville Event Center, raised its right hands, swore to uphold the public trust, and then immediately went behind a closed door to consult attorneys about whether any of it legally counted.
The roughly 40 attendees who came to watch democracy happen were treated to roughly eleven minutes of it — an oath, a round of applause, and a lawyer cheerfully reminding everyone that “transparency is a pillar of democracy” before city staff ushered the entire panel into executive session to determine, sources say, “whether a task force that has not yet done anything can already have a conflict of interest on it.”
Panel Emerges With More Questions, Zero Dollars
After 45 minutes behind the door, the task force returned having learned how to file a complaint about one of its own members, but not whether the complaint would be reviewed by the task force, the city commission, or nobody, which one member described as “the traditional option.”
City staff then delivered the panel’s operating budget presentation, which consisted of the sentence “boards usually don’t get one” and a suggestion that if members need money, they should “ask,” ideally in December, in writing, in a report.
“Good news,” said a fictional city liaison. “You’re authorized to file a majority report AND a minority report. If the majority report says data centers use water, the minority report can say they don’t. That’s not dysfunction, that’s a feature. That’s Brownsville.”
One member, sworn in just ninety minutes earlier, asked what happens if the city commission simply ignores both reports. Staff confirmed that nothing happens, but that the nothing would be “thoroughly documented.”
Swearing-In Was Technically The Meeting’s Only Completed Agenda Item
Historians on hand noted the panel set a Brownsville record: fastest transition from “so help me God” to “you don’t have to leave, but you can’t stay here” at 4 minutes and 12 seconds.
“We came to see the environmental task force work,” said one attendee on the way out of the Event Center parking lot. “Instead we saw eleven people get deputized and then immediately escorted into a room to ask if the badge is real. Honestly? Very Valley. Very Brownsville. I respect it.”
The task force’s next meeting will address its December report, which it plans to draft as a majority report, a minority report, and — per new tradition — a third report disagreeing with both.
FAQ
Q: Does the task force have a budget?
A: No. It has permission to ask for one, which city officials confirmed is “basically the same thing emotionally.”
Q: What did they decide in executive session?
A: Unclear. But they were sworn to secrecy immediately after being sworn to transparency, so the circle is complete.
