SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Representatives from a massive AI data center proposed along FM 106 formally asked the Harlingen City Commission this week for permission to discharge stormwater runoff into the city-owned canal that drains Valley International Airport, a request officials described as “basically fine” before tabling it so it could be approved with more ceremony later.
The 1,800-acre facility, which will reportedly think very hard for clients thousands of miles away, needs somewhere to put its rainwater. Engineers narrowed the options down to two: an expensive on-site retention system, or the airport canal. After months of study, they chose the one that was already there.
“Water Has To Go Somewhere, And Somewhere Is the Airport”
“We ran the numbers,” said fictional project engineer Dale Guttersohn, gesturing at a map where a blue arrow traveled from the data center, down FM 106, and directly into the canal. “Stormwater doesn’t just disappear. It has to go somewhere. And we’ve identified that somewhere as the same canal that keeps an airport dry. This is called infrastructure.”
Residents who spoke at the September commission meeting raised concerns about drainage, water use, noise, and utility costs, concerns the commission acknowledged by nodding slowly, like palm trees in a hurricane they had already decided not to stop.
“They’re coming no matter what,” said invented resident Rosa Treviño of Rio Hondo. “At this point I just want it on record that when the planes start hydroplaning past the terminal, I said something.”
City officials stressed the agreement is merely tabled, not rejected, comparing the process to a Valley International departure: technically delayed, absolutely still happening.
Company Pledges Open House, Courtesy Water
The developer pledged significant infrastructure investments and announced a community open house where residents can enjoy light refreshments while viewing a rendering of the canal receiving water it did not ask for.
“We’re committed to being good neighbors,” said fictional spokesperson Karen Streamfield. “Any water leaving our property will be the finest runoff money can process. The airport’s canal should be honored. Not every drainage ditch gets to participate in the future of artificial intelligence.”
Construction is targeted for fall 2026, weather permitting, which officials noted is ironic, since weather is now the entire project.
