SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — In its bold bid to become the Rio Grande Valley’s first certified Dark Sky Community, Harlingen announced Tuesday it will extinguish every light source in the city — streetlights, porch lights, the glowing Whataburger sign, even the resaca-adjacent security lamps — with one exception: a 10,000-lumen industrial spotlight that will remain fixed on the Dark Sky application paperwork at City Hall, so officials can keep filling it out.
“You can’t get a Dark Sky designation in the dark. That’s just common sense,” said city lighting czar Dale Kuykendall, squinting into the beam that is currently visible from Mission. “Once we’re certified, we’ll dim the spotlight to a modest 4,000 lumens. We’re being very reasonable about this.”
The city’s lighting audit has already begun, with inspectors canvasing neighborhoods to issue citations for porch lights left on after 9 p.m. Residents report being handed warning notices so dimly printed they had to hold them under the one remaining municipal light — the application spotlight — to read them.
Residents Adjust to Reading Ordinances by Starlight
“Honestly, I can see the Milky Way over the resaca for the first time in my life,” said longtime resident Ramiro Fuentes, gesturing upward. “I just can’t see the ordinance that fines me $75 for looking at it wrong. But the stars? Gorgeous. Worth it, probably.”
City officials are also promoting stargazing tourism, projecting that thousands of visitors will flock to Harlingen to see actual constellations, then immediately trip over the bollards along Jackson Avenue, which have also been turned off for compliance purposes.
One Light to Rule Them All
The application spotlight has become a local landmark, with residents gathering nightly in the City Hall parking lot to warm their hands on it. The city has tentatively named it “The Beacon of Compliance” and is considering a mural, pending whether murals reflect light.
“Dark Sky certification means we did the work,” Kuykendall said, shielding his eyes. “The work is the light. The light is the work. Please don’t stand in front of the light.”
Officials expect the designation to arrive by spring, at which point Harlingen plans a candlelight celebration — one candle, carefully hooded, pointed at the certificate.
