SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
HARLINGEN — Flanked by a scale model of its proposed 1,800-acre AI data center along FM 106, Fluidstack officials assured the Harlingen commission this week that stormwater from hundreds of acres of hyper-intelligent supercomputers could simply be piped into the same canal that already keeps the airport company during heavy rains, promising the arrangement would be “basically invisible” to everyone except the canal.
“Our data center thinks eleven quadrillion thoughts per second,” said Fluidstack drainage consultant Dale Petrosky, gesturing at a laminated diagram in which an arrow labeled “rain” traveled from a roof the size of Rio Hondo into a canal labeled “probably fine.” “We see no reason water that touches that much intelligence would behave like regular water. If anything, it’ll drain smarter.”
As a goodwill gesture, Fluidstack offered $7 million in ditch improvements and $20 million in city infrastructure, a package Petrosky described as “the rain equivalent of bringing flowers.” The company also noted it would use only 50,000 gallons of potable water per day during initial construction, a figure commissioners were encouraged not to compare to anything.
Commission Asks Whether the Cloud Can Rains Less
Commissioners spent forty minutes questioning whether the canal, which has historically demonstrated a firm commitment to ending up in places it should not be, had been consulted. Public Works Director Ray Solís confirmed the canal had been “notified by letter” and had not responded, which everyone agreed was legally the same as consent.
“People say, ‘Ray, what happens when a hundred-year storm hits in year three?'” Solís told reporters. “And I tell them the data center is artificial intelligence. It’ll figure out the water. That’s the whole thing with intelligence.”
Residents along FM 106, where fencing and equipment are already visibly staging on the site, expressed cautious optimism that the machines would begin raining by fall 2026 as scheduled. “I just hope the AI knows Arroyo Colorado rules,” said one neighbor, who asked to be identified only as a person who lives downhill.
Company Pledges Rain Will Be Valley-Tested, Valley-Approved
Fluidstack closed by unveiling a rendering of the improved ditches — wider, deeper, with small tasteful medians — and a promise that any water leaving the property would carry a certificate confirming it had touched only the smartest rooftops in Cameron County extraterritorial jurisdiction.
“Other cities get dumb rain,” Petrosky said. “Harlingen gets rain that has been through a thinking machine. That’s economic development.”
