SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Valley livestock are reportedly stressing out this week after Customs and Border Protection drones, now equipped with USDA artificial intelligence, began swooping over pastures to administer unscheduled thermal pop quizzes for New World screwworm, catching at least one nervous steer visibly sweating before the scan even reached him.
The AI works like a flying school nurse with a forehead thermometer, scanning herds and flagging any animal running hotter than its peers. Officials demonstrated Monday how the system isolates feverish outliers — in one example, a herd of white-tailed deer near Edinburg where two suspects were running warm and immediately received detention-level scrutiny.
‘He Always Ran a Little Hot,’ Mourns Herdmate
Local cattle described the atmosphere as tense. One longhorn, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed the drones arrive without warning and hover until every animal has been temperature-checked against the herd average.
“They don’t even announce themselves,” the longhorn said. “You’re just grazing and suddenly there’s a buzzing overhead and the AI’s running your thermal profile. My cousin got flagged because she was standing in direct sun. Now she’s in a holding pen reviewing sterile-fly packets like it’s summer school.”
The sterile flies — millions of them, produced at the new Edinburg facility opening seven months ahead of schedule — are dumped onto any zone where an animal fails the quiz. Officials described this as “step two.” Cattle described it as “the homework you get assigned after failing something you didn’t study for.”
Ranchers Warned: No Sneaking Cattle Off Campus
The same drones will also catch ranchers illegally moving livestock, which CBP Commissioner Rodney Scott’s announcement framed as the federal equivalent of catching kids trying to leave campus during fifth period. Several ranchers near the Hidalgo County line reportedly told their cattle to “act normal” and “for once in your life don’t be the one running a fever.”
USDA Secretary Brooke Rollins said the Edinburg sterile-fly building’s April opening — seven months early — proves the government can move quickly when livestock are involved, which several local humans noted was an interesting priority.
As of press time, a white-tailed deer near Highway 281 was attempting to stand next to a hotter deer in hopes the AI would grade on a curve.
