SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — With temperatures already flirting with ‘car-steering-wheel lawsuit’ at the 7:30 a.m. start time, the City of Edinburg proudly welcomed 500 sold-out competitors to its sixth annual triathlon at Municipal Park on Sunday, including casual walkers who were informed at the check-in table that their snorkels had been confiscated for their own safety.
Parks officials described the event as ‘for everybody’ — joggers, strollers, people who once walked to the H-E-B on Raul Longoria Road and still talk about it — before gently reminding them that the 200-meter swim, 9-mile bike, and 2-mile run would take place under an August sun that has been personally sued by three separate counties.
‘The Water Is the Dangerous Part,’ City Insists, of a Pool
‘Our number one concern is drowning,’ said a volunteer holding a cardboard box labeled SNORKEL JAIL, already containing eleven pool noodles, four fins, and one very confused hermit crab. ‘The fact that the bike portion feels like riding through a hair dryer is between you and God.’
Officials confirmed that flotation devices and snorkeling equipment remain strictly banned, while the parking lot, whose surface temperature was measured Sunday at roughly the doneness of a medium-rare fajita skillet, remains fully legal and unavoidable.
‘I came because they said it was welcoming to casual walkers,’ said one Edinburg man, gripping his finisher medal like a rosary. ‘Nobody mentioned the third event was crossing the asphalt barefoot to reach the transition area. I saw my flip-flop melt. I watched it happen.’
City Declares Event a Success Once Everyone Stops Steaming
Organizers noted that the first 300 registrants received limited-edition shirts in sizes ranging from ‘medium’ to ‘also medium,’ while all 500 received medals and the shared spiritual experience of jogging past a retention pond at 9 a.m. in weather the National Weather Service describes as ‘yeah.’
‘This is a great way to get Edinburg out there,’ one official said, fanning himself with a banned snorkel. ‘Out there, specifically, on Raul Longoria Road, in August, with no floaties. We’re building community. And character. And, briefly, steam.’
The city plans to host the seventh annual triathlon next August, at the same time, with one new safety rule under consideration: a strict ban on mirages, which last year caused three competitors to attempt to bike into what appeared to be a Buc-ee’s.
