SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — In what officials are calling a historic victory for fiscal restraint, the Edinburg City Council voted unanimously this week to hold the property tax rate at a firm 0.6300% for the coming fiscal year, then immediately proposed an 11% increase in water rates so residents can continue experiencing the sensation of paying more money to a government.
“Taxes are not going up. Let me be crystal clear about that,” said City Manager Raúl Treviño-Pruett, stamping a giant “NO NEW TAXES” seal onto a document that, three pages later, reclassifies your shower as a municipal luxury subscription. “What we’re raising is the rate at which water enters your home, which as any economist will tell you is completely different from a tax because it comes with a bill and a late fee and a guy who reads your meter at 6 a.m. like a tiny IRS agent with a flashlight.”
Water Meter Promoted To Deputy Tax Collector
Under the new plan, the city’s water meters will receive badges, pensions, and the authority to garnish your wages for excessive toilet flushing. Officials say the 11% increase funds critical utility improvements and a Water Master Plan, a 400-page document that mostly consists of the phrase “infrastructure” repeated in increasingly large font.
“We looked at raising taxes, and honestly, it felt rude,” said Councilmember Dora Peña-Kaszubowski. “Raising the water rate is much more polite. Nobody yells at you at H-E-B about their water bill. They just sigh at it in the driveway in August, which is the Edinburg way.”
Residents reacted with the weary competence of a people who have survived every form of governmental math. “So my tax rate is the same but my bill goes up 11%,” said local man Gilbert Anzaldua III, doing long division on a H-E-B receipt. “That’s like your abuela saying she didn’t add more garlic, she just made the garlic bigger.”
City Explores Taxing Other Non-Tax Things
Buoyed by success, the council is already exploring other revenue streams that are technically not taxes, including a Sidewalk Usage Rate, a Breathing-Foreign-Air Fee for days when the wind comes from Pharr, and a $4.50 surcharge every time a resident says “pos si” to a city inspector.
“The beauty of the utility model is infinity,” Treviño-Pruett said, gazing at the Edinburg water tower like a proud father. “We can’t tax sunlight. Yet. But we can bill you for the hose.”
At press time, the city had announced the tax rate would remain 0.6300% for a fifth straight year, prompting a standing ovation from the water meters, who got a 2% raise out of it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is my tax rate going up?
A: Absolutely not. It will remain a proud, untouched 0.6300% while your bill performs a slow 11% telenovela betrayal.
Q: Can I avoid the water rate increase?
A: Yes. Officials recommend the traditional Valley alternatives: praying for rain, showering at a relative’s house in McAllen, or becoming technically a cactus.
