SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — Under its sweeping new 2026-27 wellness policy, Edinburg CISD confirmed this week that energy drinks confiscated from students are being held in the front office, processed, documented, and returned to their owners at the 3:15 p.m. bell along with a pamphlet titled “Your Heart: Please Stop Doing That.”
District officials stressed the program is educational, not punitive, which is why every can gets a warm send-off. “We’re not taking anything from these children,” said fictitious health services coordinator Ramona Cavazos. “We’re simply detaining the beverage for seven hours, reflecting on its choices, and releasing it back into the community with reading material.”
The Can Rides Home With The Kindergarten
The dismissal handoff has become a solemn daily ritual. Office staff call each student’s name, return the unopened can, and watch them walk to the pickup line like a released inmate who has seen things. Opened cans, however, are thrown away, a policy one fictitious assistant principal described as “regrettable but necessary, because once the monster is awake you cannot put it back.”
The district’s fictitious Can Custody Log reportedly already fills three binders. “Tuesday we processed 14 cans, two energy shots, and one suspicious Celsius we’re holding pending fingerprint results,” said a fictitious office aide at an undisclosed campus near 411 N. 8th Street. “The hardest part is when a five-year-old asks if his drink is okay. Sir, your drink is fine. It’s in a cool drawer.”
Teachers, meanwhile, are only “encouraged” to forgo branded drinks, a distinction that has produced a faculty lounge full of cups wrapped in foil, sleeveless koozies labeled “ICED TEA (DO NOT ASK),” and one veteran coach who drinks his espresso from a Windex bottle because nobody questions Windex.
Pamphlet Called ‘Devastating’ By Its Authors
The pamphlet’s centerpiece is a diagram of a heart doing donuts in a school parking lot. “We wanted kids to understand what 300 milligrams of caffeine does to a body that is also currently growing a molar,” said fictitious SHAC pamphlet chair Delia Peña. “One kindergartner read it and just whispered ‘so that’s why Coach runs laps during announcements.’ Growth.”
District officials say the next review session will evaluate whether the cans can also receive counseling before release. “We don’t want to just warehouse these beverages,” Cavazos said. “We want to reintegrate them. Ideally into an adult’s hand, at a legal distance from a pep rally.”
