SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — Cameron County commissioners voted unanimously Monday to grant Saronic Technologies a 95 percent tax abatement on its $3.2 billion Port of Brownsville shipyard, provided that at least 35 percent of the facility can be verified as still existing inside the Rio Grande Valley on any given Tuesday. The remaining 65 percent of the shipyard may legally drift into the Gulf, relocate to Austin, or pursue other opportunities.
Under the deal, county auditors will conduct an annual roll-call at the port, walking the dry docks with a clipboard and shouting ‘¿Todavía estás aquí?’ at any crane that answers. A shipyard that dips below 35 percent Valley residency loses that year’s abatement, a penalty officials described as ‘extremely serious’ and ‘mathematically unlikely to matter.’
‘It’s Basically a Whole Shipyard, Statistically’
County officials defended the 95/35 ratio as a triumph of negotiation. ‘People told us we couldn’t keep jobs in the Valley,’ said one commissioner, gesturing at a pie chart in which roughly a third of the pie was shaded and labeled ‘OURS, PROBABLY.’ ‘Well, a third of 3.2 billion is still over a billion. That’s basically all of it, if you don’t look too hard.’
Supporters note the agreement contains a clawback clause: if Saronic’s local presence falls below 35 percent, the county may withhold the tax break for that year, then resume it the following year once the company repositions at least one welding torch within county lines. ‘We call that the boomerang provision,’ an aide explained. ‘Very Valley. Everyone leaves, everyone comes back for Christmas.’
Residency Verification Described As ‘Airtight, Ish’
The verification process requires Saronic to submit a yearly roster proving its Valley workforce, a document auditors will check with the same rigor the county applies to hand-counting raspas flavors. ‘If a worker’s badge has a 78520 zip code, that counts. If it has a 78520 sticker over another zip code, that also counts,’ said the county’s newly created Abatement Compliance Officer, a position funded at 0.35 FTE.
At press time, the county had announced it was also negotiating a deal with the sun: a 95 percent abatement on heat, contingent on 35 percent of summer remaining below 100 degrees.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What happens if only 34 percent of the shipyard lives here?
A: The county withholds the abatement for that year, sighs loudly, and resumes it in January when a forklraft — sorry, forklift — moves back from San Antonio.
Q: Why 35 percent?
A: Officials initially demanded 36, but negotiators agreed to meet Saronic ‘somewhere in the middle of nowhere in particular.’
