SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — Calling it the biggest student transportation breakthrough in a generation, the City of Brownsville announced this week that Texas Southmost College and UTRGV students may ride BMetro completely free this fall — provided they can locate a bus and are still in physical possession of their student ID.
“We eliminated the fare, which was the easy part,” said fictional BMetro spokesperson Dolores Perales, speaking at a podium constructed entirely of lanyards. “The remaining requirements — finding the vehicle and keeping track of one laminated card through a Brownsville August — we consider enrichment.”
Under the program, any student who boards while holding a valid school ID rides free. A photo of the ID does not count. A verbal description of the ID does not count. “My face is basically the ID” was formally rejected in a 41-page addendum the city has chosen not to publish.
One Less Thing to Pay For, Two More Things to Find
City messaging urges students to “leave the parking search behind,” a generous offer from a system whose buses are themselves something of a search. Officials confirmed that at least one BMetro bus exists somewhere in Brownsville at all times, moving with purpose, occasionally past your stop at a speed best described as optimistic.
“Day one, I had my ID but no bus,” said fictional TSC sophomore Marisol Caballero, squinting down a shimmering street. “Day two, I found the bus, but my ID was in the jeans I had already washed. Today both existed in the same hour, and my professor locked the door at 8:01.”
Driver Empowered to Treat ID Like a Boarding Pass
Drivers have been trained to inspect each card with the gravity of a gate agent on a flight that has already pushed back from the gate. “No card, no ride,” said fictional 22-year veteran driver René Fuentes, extending one hand with terrifying serenity. “I have watched students pat all 47 of their pockets in real time. The card is always in a dorm, a taquería, or the fall of 2023.”
The city plans to celebrate the program once any student completes the full sequence — ID in hand, bus located, classroom door still unlocked — an achievement officials are calling “the Brownsville Trifecta” and projecting sometime after midterms.
“The ride is free,” Perales added. “The bus is out there. The card is somewhere. Class starts regardless.”
