SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
BROWNSVILLE — With ceremonial shovels still warm from Wednesday’s groundbreaking, the Rio Grande Valley has officially begun counting its 10,000 new shipyard jobs, all 250 of which currently have job descriptions and the remaining 9,750 of which have a very encouraging vibe. Port Alpha, the $3.2 billion project billed as the first new U.S. shipyard since World War II, broke ground on 835 acres of enthusiastically photographed dirt that officials confirmed will produce up to $264.5 billion in statewide economic activity as soon as someone builds a ship on it, possibly in 2028.
“People ask me, ‘Where are the ships?’ And I tell them: the ships are in the speech,” said a Port Alpha spokesperson, gesturing at a podium where the number 150,000 gross tons of shipbuilding capacity had been projected in giant letters behind a lectern standing on caliche. “That tonnage is real. It’s just currently distributed across the Gulf of Mexico in pre-ship form, also known as water.”
Mayor Begins Spending Paychecks That Have Not Been Issued
Mayor John Cowen announced at the ceremony that the city is already planning parks, trails, and community events funded by the shipyard salaries, which average over $100,000 a year and are legally scheduled to begin existing at a date TBD. City crews were seen Thursday painting a hike-and-bike trail directly toward the groundbreaking site, so future welders will have somewhere scenic to walk while waiting for 2028.
“We’re not going to wait for the money to plan how to spend it,” Cowen said. “That’s not the Valley way. The Valley way is to have the ribbon-cutting, then the tamale fundraiser, then the ship.”
Cameron County Judge Eddie Trevino Jr. used the occasion to tell local teenagers they no longer need a four-year college degree, just a trade certification and roughly two years of patience while the dirt becomes a dry dock. Several students reportedly asked whether the certification came with a time machine and were told to direct questions to the governor’s office.
Dirt Praised as Most Productive Acreage in County History
Economic development officials noted that the 835 acres, expandable past 4,000, is already the hardest-working land in Cameron County, having generated three press releases, two governor quotes about building “the future of warfare,” and one mayoral parks budget in a single afternoon. “Show me another plot of dirt with a $264.5 billion output,” said one incentives officer. “You can’t. That dirt is booked solid through the news cycle.”
Officials confirmed the shipyard’s first vessel will be delivered as soon as operations begin, which is as soon as construction finishes, which is as soon as hiring starts, which is as soon as approximately 250 people are hired, which is soon.
Additional reporting by a shovel.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How many ships has Port Alpha built so far?
A: One, conceptually, in the mind of everyone at the ceremony.
Q: When can I apply for one of the 10,000 jobs?
A: Today! Hiring 250 people. The other 9,750 positions are currently held by optimism.
