SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
EDINBURG — In a historic moment of bipartisan unity, both of Texas’ U.S. Senate candidates announced this week at separate Rio Grande Valley forums that any data center hoping to move into the neighborhood must bring its own electricity, its own water, and its own Texas-sized parcel of empty land, because there is plenty of open space out there and, apparently, no grid left.
Attorney General Ken Paxton, speaking in person earlier in the week at a United States Hispanic Business Council forum, said a data center that pulls power off the grid is basically a guy who moves next door and starts charging his extended family’s phones at your house.
“If it can’t generate its own power, it doesn’t get built. If it can’t haul in its own water, it doesn’t get built,” Paxton said, gesturing toward a map of West Texas that was 90% nothing. “Look at all this nothing. Put the servers in the nothing. The nothing has been asking for this.”
Talarico Delivers Self-Sufficiency Lecture From Bed, Leading By Example
Rep. James Talarico, appearing by video into a packed UTRGV room Wednesday after contracting the flu, agreed completely — a data center that can’t pay for its own energy and water and get community consent should not exist. Observers noted Talarico had applied the same standard to himself, having determined he could not generate his own health in time for Edinburg.
“I could not bring myself to the forum,” Talarico said through a laptop speaker, “so per my own policy, I stayed home. This is what accountability looks like. Also, someone please tell the data centers about DayQuil.”
Both candidates then pivoted, separately, to the region’s low lake levels and proposed the same solution: lean on Mexico, through trade, to honor the water treaty — a plan Cameron County residents described as “the Valley’s oldest group chat.”
Valley Residents Begin Drafting Own Utility Requirements
Emboldened, local homeowners across Cameron County have begun demanding the bring-your-own-utilities standard apply to everyone. Hidalgo County officials confirmed they’ve received twelve applications from new neighbors proposing to arrive with their own water tower, a windmill strapped to a Silverado, and “community consent pending.”
“If it’s good enough for a billion-dollar server farm, it’s good enough for my cousin’s fifth-wheel,” said one San Juan man, unhitching a generator with visible pride.
At press time, both campaigns had quietly reached out to Mexican officials about the lakes, with sources confirming each candidate insisted on calling separately so they would never have to be seen agreeing in the same room, on speakerphone, at the same time, like some kind of debate.
