SATIRE: This is parody. Not a real news report.
SAN BENITO — Citing the need for absolute procedural certainty, the San Benito Economic Development Corporation confirmed this week it has formally asked the Texas Attorney General in Austin whether Mayor Pete Galvan is legally permitted to look at a resume, a question the mayor says he could have answered himself in about four seconds by opening a folder.
The dispute began when Galvan, the EDC board’s sole ex-officio non-voting member, sent a Sept. 8 email reading, in its entirety, “Please send me the applicants for EDC director position for my review.” Under San Benito protocol, any sentence containing that many verbs is automatically escalated to the state’s highest legal authority.
Austin Now Tasked With Ruling on the Concept of Reading
EDC attorney Michael Pruneda forwarded the four-line email to the Attorney General’s open-records division, arguing the applications constitute confidential personnel information, despite the fact that every voting board member already received the same stack months ago and at least two have reportedly used it as a fan.
“We can’t just let people read things,” Pruneda explained. “Today it’s a resume. Tomorrow it’s an agenda. Eventually someone reads a budget, and then where are we as a city?”
Galvan countered that personal information could simply be redacted with a black marker, a remedy legal scholars describe as “available at the H-E-B for $2.49.” The EDC instead opted for the more traditional Valley solution: freezing a statewide executive search indefinitely while a state agency in Austin deliberates whether ocular contact with a job application constitutes disclosure.
The director position has been open since City Manager Fred Sandoval resigned from it, a period locals now measure in seasons. “My cousin applied,” said one Resaca City resident. “He’s been waiting so long he put ‘San Benito EDC applicant’ on his tombstone pre-order, just in case.”
Monday’s Agenda Includes Item Titled ‘Pedro Galvan’
The EDC board will meet Monday in closed session to discuss an agenda item officially labeled “the attorney letter concerning Pedro Galvan,” marking the first time in city history a mayor has achieved the status of an agenda category, alongside “Budget” and “Old Business.”
“It’s an honor, honestly,” Galvan said. “Most mayors get a street named after them. I’m a line item.”
Officials estimate the Attorney General’s opinion could arrive within 45 business days, after which the city will need a second opinion on whether Galvan is allowed to read the first opinion. The statewide candidate search remains open, though applicants are now being advised to preserve their resumes in amber.
FAQ
Q: Can the mayor see the resumes?
A: Not until Austin rules. He may, however, describe them from memory to a notary, who is allowed to nod.
Q: Why not just redact the personal info?
A: Redaction requires someone to read the document first, triggering the entire crisis again. The marker remains under review.
